When preparing to face the day, it’s always a good idea to have a machete handy. When it’s a Friday the 13 in January, it’s not just a good idea, but a necessity. For it was on a January 13, albeit one way back in 1128, when Pope Honorius II declared the Knights Templar an army of God.
If you don’t understand why this is of concern, it’s because the Knights Templar are still very much around and very much pulling all the strings. In the chain of command, the Illuminati are way below the Templars, the Shriners are way below the Illuminati, and the Reverse Vampires lower even than the Shriners. But when you have most of the treasures that Indiana Jones tried to capture, as the knights do, you tend to accrue some power and influence.
As such, and given it’s their anniversary, the Templars will be especially shadowy and nefarious today. There will be shenanigans and schemes aplenty; subterfuge and ruse will be on not-so-prominent display, as is their wont. There won’t be chaos, though, for that would give it away. But should your mail run late, your latte be weak, or your Internet a bit slower than normal, know that you’ve been touched by the ancient army.
You may choose to disbelieve these truths, but you must remember your Umberto Eco. Eco, in “Foucault’s Pendulum,” discussed the Templars and why they matter, writing, “The lunatic is all idée fixe, and whatever he comes across confirms his lunacy. You can tell him by the liberties he takes with common sense, by his flashes of inspiration, and by the fact that sooner or later he brings up the Templars.”
I’m perfectly calm right now, you’re just not listening.
Maybe you could go seek your truth with your inside voice
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) April 19, 2016
This kid went on to join the Templars, I think.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 17, 2015
How you know when the funeral you’re attending is for someone who was a member of a shadowy cabal.
**shows up at your funeral with one of those guitars with two necks
Where do I plug in
— Böb Bad Hombre Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 8, 2017
I’m way ahead of you here.
I’ll be psycho and you be logical.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) January 8, 2017
If he succeeds, prepare for all the perks that come with membership into an exclusive club.
Test your man’s virility by challenging him to the “solve this Rubik’s Cube amidst the Fletch theme song” game.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) April 26, 2015
Only the most hardcore go this route.
ME: now hear me out
[never speaks again]
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) January 6, 2017
Sometimes you just have to give an idea a shot and see what happens. It’s what the ancients did.
Know how doctors cauterize wounds? I found that a similar procedure at home using a glade scented candle doesn’t yield similar results.
— LIVsy (@liv_thatsme) January 8, 2017
Technically that was the last day of Christmas, but moderners don’t celebrate all 12 days.
Apparently it’s no longer considered “carolling” if it’s January 6th and you’re scream-singing Dixie Chicks songs naked at Arby’s.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) January 6, 2017
Moderners also don’t get what constitutes a pleasant aroma.
His aftershave? Breath of the Hound.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) January 9, 2017
Ahh, yes, as people used to communicate.
I just paid $4,000 to have a skywriter write “Actually, Vanessa, YOU’RE the one who’s being ‘dramatic’.”
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) January 10, 2017
You could use subterfuge and maybe a sword.
If only there was a way to tell someone how you feel without using a megaphone or shooting a gun into the air
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) January 10, 2017
Let’s keep it that way, k?
I see things vaguely.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) January 8, 2017
Subterfuge.
[space station training]
cadet: what is the big blue thing
astronaut: it’s earth, seriously how many times have we gone over this— J.Quintana (@loudmouth_usa) September 20, 2016
That’s not coincidental.
Commercials are ruining the ukelele for everyone.
— Burgess & Basil (@praisecheese) January 10, 2017
World domination is implied.
Single unmovable object ISO unattached unstoppable force for a possible long term relationship.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) January 8, 2017
Mostly on the other end of the disaster, but whatever.
I’ve been invited to attend Disaster Relief Training.
I didn’t mention the decades of experience I’ve accrued on my own.— Kimtopher (@chelliet22) January 9, 2017
You should really be more secretive than this. In fact, why do you even have hard copies of anything?
I want to invite someone over but when they arrive, catch me burning mysterious documents.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 20, 2016
That’s just what that cephalopod wanted you to think.
[snorkeling]
Me: A swimming dick touched my arm
Guide: A what?
Me: A swimming dick
G: A squid?
M:
M: maybe
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) January 10, 2017
This is an excellent example of how to take liberties with common sense.
Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 19, 2016
Maybe. The real rulers don’t advertise.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) January 1, 2017
Balling like someone who does run the world.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) October 24, 2016
It was good, but definitely not album of the year.
[50 minutes of noisy guitar feedback and the sounds of a woman being stabbed]
Pitchfork writer: album of the year. I rate it 9.7 out of 10
— Some call me RZA (@jrza84) December 20, 2016
Yet he was never made a member.
Man, Henry David Thoreau said all kindsa shit.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) April 15, 2012
We can weaponize it. There’s your reason.
I just want to be rich enough to buy a stainless steel sphere for no good reason.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) January 10, 2017
Look, you can’t run a shadow government without a few assassins.
My Middle Eastern Mediterranean stripper name is Honey Baklava.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) December 24, 2016
Assassins skilled at the art of subterfuge.
Next time I go grocery shopping I’m gonna use the motorized cart and there’s literally nothing you can do about it
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) January 9, 2017
She’s building a small, but fierce, army.
Him: This is my girlfriend, Rene.
His mom: Is she bottle feeding a squirrel?
Him: Isn’t she great?— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) January 2, 2017
Sorry but we need some people to take the fall for a second, but they have to be top people. We’ll jailbreak you though.
Me: You have the kind of face a jury would convict.
Him: What?
Me: Can you hold this knife for a minute?— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 10, 2017
What if I could explain the alchemy behind the helium?
This two week old helium balloon has more of a will to live than I do.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) January 6, 2017
But don’t mention anything you see along the way.
walk the silk road, swim the hidden lake.
— a flood (@afloodofblood) January 5, 2017
Tactical world domination gear.
Other Names for Overalls:
Sleeveless Coveralls
Coversomes
Coverparts
Denim Unitard
Body Jeans— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) December 22, 2016
These are the sorts of subtle disruptions I was mentioning.
It takes a lot of bravery to visit your doctor and say “I think the people spying on me have changed the wallpaper in my living room”
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) January 5, 2017
Almost indeed.
Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 10, 2017
All part of the plan.
If you understand that Warner Bros animated characters can’t eat ham, chicken, duck or rabbit, you will understand the lack of cartoon cows.
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 27, 2016
You say that like it’s a bad thing, but sometimes there are other choices, too.
All roads lead to rum.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) January 6, 2017
A strong tree grows from a well-planted seed.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) January 12, 2017
Ummm, you probably shouldn’t publicly admit this.
They say ‘digging trenches for road works’
I say ‘ready made hidey holes for the bodies’
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) January 12, 2017
Use that, just make sure it’s subtle. Subterfuge and all.
If I really put my mind to it, I can imagine all sorts of terrifying things.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) January 7, 2017
Don’t forget to throw a few curves either.
“Life is weird, ain’t it?”, I say, whilst trapped in a tuba.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) January 5, 2017
We could use someone like you.
I see the evil in everyone.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) January 8, 2017
We can surmise some, though. Glad you escaped safely.
Adrenaline >>>>> caffeine
I offer no details.— Mrs. X (@LnL245) January 10, 2017
The Templars actually didn’t have anything to do with that and were incredibly heartbroken when the end arrived.
You might be surprised at how often I blame my problems on the breakup of Milli Vanilli.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 12, 2017
She’s in.
Just because I’m German does NOT mean I have a thing for Hasselhoff!!
*speaks into Apple Watch* bring the car around!
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) January 6, 2017
Whatever, we decide when winter will end.
*drinks shadow*
Well, it’s Groundhog Day somewhere.— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) January 10, 2017
Those guys are small potatoes. Sit, take this pamphlet, and let’s have a chat. I know of a clandestine organization that might better appreciate a subtle ruse such as that.
I was exiled from the League of Assassins for carrying my smoke bombs inside the seashells of my friendship bracelet
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) December 14, 2016
After the smoke from the bomb dissipated, Eco continued. In his estimation, there were actually four types of people in the world, the lunatic being just one. There were also the cretins, a people who “don’t even talk; they sort of slobber and stumble.” Then there were the fools. They “offend all the rules of conversation, and when they really offend, they’re magnificent.” The moron, well, he gets his reasoning wrong, but he at least has a thesis.
The lunatics, though, while we bring up the Templars, we don’t concern ourselves at all with logic; we work by short circuits. But given the options, it’s really the best choice, especially when we have a point to make. We’re also fun at parties, no matter what anyone says.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) January 9, 2017