This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 81

This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 81

Today is a momentous day in the earth’s history. It is not only the day before the last day of 2016, a year which not everyone loved, but it is also an anniversary. For it was on a December 30 many moons ago when I emerged from the stomach of a grizzly bear into a cold and dark wood.

I wasn’t to stay with the bear. Soon, I was scooped up by a wandering alligator, who carried me southeast. He was planning to hang onto me until he arrived back in Florida on the off chance that he was unable to catch deer and smaller game and needed a meal, but I parted ways with him down near the Delta and began the next phase of my toddler-hood.

Being a feral toddler down in the Delta meant I had limited options, particularly as most of my knowledge had been gleaned from an angry and confused grizzly bear and a wandering alligator. Fortunately, these skills translated nicely into the world of underground goose fighting. Normally, a human wouldn’t be allowed, but I was small and feral and they accepted me. Until they turned on me in a vicious and bloody act of senseless violence.

My life has taken many twists and turns since that day, and I’m much less feral than I once was, though the grudge against the dreaded sky trash remains. If you ask me again, I’ll tell you the same.


Some lessons learned in my early days are as true today as they were when I was roaming the wilderness and also as true as they were yesterday.


Hey, it’s my birthday.


When people say birthday suit, they usually think nudity, but this is closer to home for me.


Make it the theme from “Shaft,” I’m feeling saucy.


Eh, I’m taking the day off.


Before our tale is through, we’ll learn that there is another.


The day isn’t over and you still have time to do your shopping, hint hint.


I may have been born in a cold and dark forest, but that doesn’t mean I’m bound by this terrestrial plane.


To help myself achieve this, I’m gonna steal a Ferrari.


One thing about getting older and having kids, though, is it is tiring.


Maybe it reminded her of her mother.


If only there were a bear dedicated to fighting such things in the city instead of just the forests.


Swap bamboo with bourbon and that’s my composition!


Sigh, I’m guessing that none of my gifts will require this. Someday I’ll have my cyborg doppelganger. Someday.


It’s festive. I like it.


I think I’m gonna pass.


Good thing I didn’t ask for one of these.


Isn’t this how that Michael Douglas movie about the weird live-action game his brother gave him for his birthday starts?


Sometimes I have to ask them to speak up.


I am at the age when the impulse to do this does increase just a bit.


I’m having some booby traps installed so that mine is freaking terrified the entire time.


I’m still pretty upset about this, by the way.


If you’re going to throw surprise parties, make sure the guest of honor doesn’t have to do the dirty work herself.


Why are you spying on your neighbors?


Time to move onto an alligator mom, Bear.


It can be learned, but much of this was forged during your first days on earth.


And on this, the anniversary of the day of my birth, I have a simple request. And it starts with you taking the other end of this net.


Another request I have, on this the anniversary of the day of my birth.


I prefer to say passionate. It’s like being eccentric instead of weird.


It’s important to give credit to all those who helped me make it this far.


As long as you’re being serious about the vengeance, I’m okay with that.


On the list of things I don’t want…


Yessssss. My plans for the day might necessitate have something to bargain with later.


I like this idea. Then no one will know where truth ends and fiction begins. Plausible deniability, I think it’s called.


Ahhh, nostalgia for birthdays past.


Sounds like an adventure for a special day to me.


‘Bout time.


Thanks?


But also wheeeeeeeeee.


This is why I refuse to wear the ones my kids got.


Younger and full of hopes and dreams, more daring, fewer alibis.


Wake up, Sheeple!


For those who were paying attention, there was a subtle mention, a clue offered somewhere in here. Much like whichever “Star Wars” character said “There is another,” I also said that. For there is another who is celebrating the anniversary of the day of her birth today. Okay, there are actually a lot more, but only one who fell from the sky after doing battle with an interdimensional pterodactyl hell-bent on universal destruction. Together, we do battle against various foes and villains and malicious winged creatures. And with that, Wonder Twin powers activate.


But then we celebrate a little too much and this happens. Oh well, it’s our birthday, we can get away with it.

Richard Cromwell is a senior contributor to The Federalist. Follow him on Twitter, @rcromwell4.
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