Today is a momentous day in the earth’s history. It is not only the day before the last day of 2016, a year which not everyone loved, but it is also an anniversary. For it was on a December 30 many moons ago when I emerged from the stomach of a grizzly bear into a cold and dark wood.
I wasn’t to stay with the bear. Soon, I was scooped up by a wandering alligator, who carried me southeast. He was planning to hang onto me until he arrived back in Florida on the off chance that he was unable to catch deer and smaller game and needed a meal, but I parted ways with him down near the Delta and began the next phase of my toddler-hood.
Being a feral toddler down in the Delta meant I had limited options, particularly as most of my knowledge had been gleaned from an angry and confused grizzly bear and a wandering alligator. Fortunately, these skills translated nicely into the world of underground goose fighting. Normally, a human wouldn’t be allowed, but I was small and feral and they accepted me. Until they turned on me in a vicious and bloody act of senseless violence.
My life has taken many twists and turns since that day, and I’m much less feral than I once was, though the grudge against the dreaded sky trash remains. If you ask me again, I’ll tell you the same.
[taking the witness stand]
“Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but—”
*leaning into the mic* I choose dare
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) December 29, 2016
Some lessons learned in my early days are as true today as they were when I was roaming the wilderness and also as true as they were yesterday.
As I’m turning 41 tomorrow, I’d like to pause and reflect on the fact that being wildly irresponsible is almost always the correct choice.
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) December 29, 2016
Hey, it’s my birthday.
Today’s forecast: the weather and my disposition are both unseasonably pleasant.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 26, 2016
When people say birthday suit, they usually think nudity, but this is closer to home for me.
“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUR COAT!!”
(flashback to me pretending to be Liberace and rolling around in glitter)
“I’m a pimp now”
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) December 15, 2016
Make it the theme from “Shaft,” I’m feeling saucy.
Travelling minstrels that follow you around wherever you go and sing songs of your deeds
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) December 29, 2016
Eh, I’m taking the day off.
a feud that started generations before laws governed such issues for the common man
— Seamus O’flaugherty (@seamussaid) December 2, 2016
Before our tale is through, we’ll learn that there is another.
“I was one year away from fire baton,” she confessed, her voice trembling, “but Sha-ri…Sha-ri could wield the fire baton like a goddess.”
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) December 26, 2016
The day isn’t over and you still have time to do your shopping, hint hint.
I hope one of my enemies entraps me inside a haunted painting before I have to go back to work after the holidays.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) November 27, 2016
I may have been born in a cold and dark forest, but that doesn’t mean I’m bound by this terrestrial plane.
*floating in space. Like you do*
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) December 17, 2016
To help myself achieve this, I’m gonna steal a Ferrari.
Be right back. I have an existential awakening scheduled this afternoon.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) December 28, 2016
One thing about getting older and having kids, though, is it is tiring.
Me: Can you hear that toddler? She’s so tired she’s crying.
Husband: That’s not a toddler. That’s you. Go to sleep.
— EricaTriesToTwinkle (@SteussieErica) December 25, 2016
Maybe it reminded her of her mother.
Me: Compassion is my compass.
Him: We’ve been lost for 3 days and you gave your coat to a bear that looked cold.
— Kendra Gaylord (@kendragaylord) December 16, 2016
If only there were a bear dedicated to fighting such things in the city instead of just the forests.
Upon finding out that Chili’s burned down, local divorced man shrugs and says, “I guess I’ll try Applebee’s now.”
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) December 28, 2016
Swap bamboo with bourbon and that’s my composition!
Lady: what’s up with your panda
ME: His behavior is acceptable considering he’s composed of 93% bamboo and genetic mutations.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) November 21, 2016
Sigh, I’m guessing that none of my gifts will require this. Someday I’ll have my cyborg doppelganger. Someday.
48% of the town failed the quad-annual Turing test. Please report to the town hall for mandatory reprogramming.
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) December 29, 2016
It’s festive. I like it.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 15, 2016
I think I’m gonna pass.
…so each day you just learn to deal with the obliteration of all your hopes and dreams.Ok, open this present next!
— Mrs. X (@LnL245) December 25, 2016
Good thing I didn’t ask for one of these.
Hush little baby
Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird
If that mockingbird won’t sing
FLEE, CHILD, THE DEATH OF BIRDSONG FORTELLS THE END TIMES
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) September 26, 2016
Isn’t this how that Michael Douglas movie about the weird live-action game his brother gave him for his birthday starts?
Waiter-and what would you like?
Me-tell the Chef to surprise me
Later that night…
Chef*jumps out of closet in a bunny mask*
— juice vanzany (@jvanzand) December 28, 2016
Sometimes I have to ask them to speak up.
I answer echoes in the hallway accordingly.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) December 1, 2016
I am at the age when the impulse to do this does increase just a bit.
To do list:
Run far away
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) September 17, 2016
I’m having some booby traps installed so that mine is freaking terrified the entire time.
I’m worried that I’m gonna get a super judgey coroner.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) September 1, 2015
I’m still pretty upset about this, by the way.
Friend: [opening gift from me] this is hideous
Me: but I thought hideous was your brand
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) November 19, 2016
If you’re going to throw surprise parties, make sure the guest of honor doesn’t have to do the dirty work herself.
It’s like I said, officer.
Those clowns were dead when I got here.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) December 27, 2016
Why are you spying on your neighbors?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
— Kimtopher (@chelliet22) December 14, 2016
Time to move onto an alligator mom, Bear.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
— Beary Christmas haha (@LeBearGirdle) May 8, 2016
It can be learned, but much of this was forged during your first days on earth.
I just want to be described as “formidable.”
— LTB (@_Tempo11) December 7, 2016
And on this, the anniversary of the day of my birth, I have a simple request. And it starts with you taking the other end of this net.
A narwhal is the corndog of the sea
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) December 26, 2016
Another request I have, on this the anniversary of the day of my birth.
I need a muse, one that doesn’t feel fire, avoids sleep and trusts the tarot
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) December 28, 2016
I prefer to say passionate. It’s like being eccentric instead of weird.
I’m a little intense at times, but I mean well.
— RACH RIOT (@ryan_rachryan80) December 28, 2016
It’s important to give credit to all those who helped me make it this far.
Behind every great man is a great shadow and, if you’re lucky, great shadow puppetry
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) December 17, 2016
As long as you’re being serious about the vengeance, I’m okay with that.
If a curly-haired child calls you “Papa,” you’re dead within the first 15 minutes of the movie. You’ll be avenged, though, so no worries.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 28, 2016
On the list of things I don’t want…
Three days ago, I saw an opossum in my yard.
Long story short, Rupert now sleeps at the foot of my bed and fetches my slippers.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) December 24, 2016
Yessssss. My plans for the day might necessitate have something to bargain with later.
Take no prisoners!
OK, one prisoner each, but that’s it.
— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) December 29, 2016
I like this idea. Then no one will know where truth ends and fiction begins. Plausible deniability, I think it’s called.
I feel like I could be a Netflix original series.
— Not THAT Humbug (@HilaryVervers) December 8, 2016
Ahhh, nostalgia for birthdays past.
Every time I want to clap there’s a chance I may throw my panties instead since my parents took me to a Tom Jones concert when I was 7.
— Sondra Dee (@SondraDeeMe) December 15, 2016
Sounds like an adventure for a special day to me.
girls are so weird I say as I wonder if I could throw a baseball hard enough to kill a guy
— Böb Danger Man Jänke (@Bob_Janke) December 25, 2016
that fortune cookie fortune from Dec ’86 just came true
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) December 13, 2016
im staring at u saying “open it.” its a box with a pic of me on it that says “open it.” Inside is a smaller box w a pic of me that says “o
— Maison Piedfort (@maisonwithapen) December 27, 2016
But also wheeeeeeeeee.
Befriending me is like finding a carousel in a forest, pleasantly surprising at first and then completely creepy.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) December 5, 2016
This is why I refuse to wear the ones my kids got.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
— Jess (@jessokfine) December 25, 2016
Younger and full of hopes and dreams, more daring, fewer alibis.
Coffee so black I assume it’s the portal I’ve been dreaming of and step into it’s hot darkness so it can transport me back to 1994
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) December 23, 2016
Wake up, Sheeple!
They’ll tell you we went to the moon, but still put a door on your microwave. Wrap a potato in foil and learn the truth. We are the moon!
— Piece (@Piecezilla) December 5, 2016
For those who were paying attention, there was a subtle mention, a clue offered somewhere in here. Much like whichever “Star Wars” character said “There is another,” I also said that. For there is another who is celebrating the anniversary of the day of her birth today. Okay, there are actually a lot more, but only one who fell from the sky after doing battle with an interdimensional pterodactyl hell-bent on universal destruction. Together, we do battle against various foes and villains and malicious winged creatures. And with that, Wonder Twin powers activate.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) December 19, 2016
But then we celebrate a little too much and this happens. Oh well, it’s our birthday, we can get away with it.
(Tiptoes through the tulips)
— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) December 24, 2016