I love Christmas cards. They’re kind of like commercials for erectile dysfunction, but more family-friendly. They’re picturesque, naturally, despite the fact that they depict situations that exist nowhere in the natural world. Not that chilling in a bathtub with no apparent water supply isn’t cool and all, but it’s about as realistic as children laughing and smiling in serene joy instead of shrieking and attempting to destroy one another because the wind blew a leaf near one of them.
No, the Christmas card, much like those commercials, pretends we all relax in coordinated outfits, that Pottery Barn couches just lay waiting in fields, and that life is a photogenic journey from one season to the next. The reality, on the other hand, is that one kid just knocked another over, everybody is stressed, and tears are imminent.
So instead of capturing that one perfect moment when no one is crying, just go for it. Let the shriek flag fly. If you do, people will know you’re keeping it real and also be more inclined to give you what you really want for Christmas: booze.
Friend: She's like the nicest person I've ever met. She's ALWAYS nice.
Me: Gross.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) August 22, 2016
I’ve got two words for you: product placement.
Probably won't happen but I want an old astronaut to go on tv and talk about me when I die.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) December 8, 2016
She’s got the right attitude about the whole season.
I'm not even sure what the question is but the answer is always drink more
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) December 16, 2016
Does this include Christmas newsletters?
50 ways to leave your lover, 35 ways to ditch your barber, 12 ways to quit your bookclub, no way to unsubscribe from a determined newsletter
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) June 2, 2016
“I found this theme park that’s nothing but empty bathtubs on a beach during low tide.”
There's a fine line between scaring her and arousing her in bed and that's exactly where you ought to stay.
— ❄️ Dorky Romano ❄️ (@paperphotoyo) December 8, 2016
It’s the holiday season. Put a really big bow on the car, too.
It's not a real love note until you key it into their car.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) December 10, 2016
Throw on a Santa hat to expedite the process.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) December 9, 2016
Baby, it’s cold outside.
I walked outside with no jacket on and 14 grandmothers showed up and gave me soup.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) December 15, 2016
Anyway, Merry Christmas.
"You seemed happy, but like, in a totally deranged type of way."
Hmm. Sounds about right.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 15, 2016
The only retreat is a hasty one.
Crowd surfing but it's just me sliding down another flight of stairs on my face during a fire drill
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) December 15, 2016
‘Tis the season.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we'll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don't you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) December 9, 2016
Getting festive like a boss.
(wife screaming)
"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUR COAT!!"
(flashback to me pretending to be Liberace and rolling around in glitter)
"I'm a pimp now"— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) December 15, 2016
Holiday parties, meals, and other gatherings in a nutshell. Don’t forget to mention that couch they found in a field.
[not listening to a word you're saying]
Hey, that's awesome! Good for you!
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) December 10, 2016
It’s not always about the gift that keeps on giving.
softly traces in cursive 'i love you' on your back moments before the rusty guillotine blade does its job
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) December 14, 2016
It’s just the time of year and perhaps they’re trying to snap a picture.
*A person is nice to me*
Me: Ok what's going on here?
— SardonicTart (@SardonicTart) December 14, 2016
Here, have a mimosa.
"When you hurt, I hurt"
– my liver to my heart
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) July 5, 2015
But have you heard of gift bags?
I've never been as fucking incensed at anyone as much as at this ancient roll of packing tape
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) December 14, 2016
Those traveling can relate to this.
Home is where the south wind tells you the rain is coming and the hadedas' cry tells you when.
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) December 12, 2016
The unofficial slogan of Christmas cards.
You have to look at it all wrong.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) December 13, 2016
It’s implied.
Once, just ONCE, I'd love to see one of those formulaic braggy boastful family Christmas letters signed "Passively Aggressively Yours."
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) December 7, 2016
An honest card.
No one will ever disappoint you in as many different ways as me, darling.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) December 14, 2016
Some Christmas wishes will never come true.
me: what about something bigger? like a california king or maybe just a queen?
funeral director: unfortunately most coffins come as singles
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) December 10, 2016
*Vince Guaraldi plays in the background*
As your water your christmas tree tonight, remind it "how lucky it is, how the others trees at the lot are dying, cold & feeling abandoned."
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) December 11, 2016
But it’s all I wanted and I got it!
[my award winning flamingo documentary]
*zooming in on one really pink flamingo*
me: this frickin ladle with wings is eating too much shrimp— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) December 3, 2016
Points for honesty.
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"
~ my holiday welcome mat
— Mrs. Dick Helicopter (@Hormonella) December 9, 2016
They also don’t get anything from souvenir shops, even expansive Christmas ones.
I'M GONNA JUMP
Wife: Jump! I should have known you were insane when I let you name the kids
GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD
Cruel world: Fuck you Dad
— unanimated corpse (@davidkenny100) December 13, 2016
This is doubly true for holiday leftovers.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
— Santa B. Aby (@enigmaterics) May 3, 2016
It is a magical time of year. Your dreams can come true.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
— Stewnami (@stewnami) July 31, 2016
The most wonderful time of the year.
Him: You have commitment issues.
Me: No. I'm just waiting for the perfect psych ward.— Bar$tar (@elynnbarlow) December 13, 2016
Hopefully it wasn’t advice on gifts.
Some of the best advice I've ever been given came from a prostitute in an Oakland McDonald's bathroom after she offered me a radish.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) December 1, 2015
That’s my favorite part, too.
"The 12 days of Christmas" is my favorite song about absurd gifts & finding a coked out Danny Bonaduce living in the old pear tree out back.
— Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) December 19, 2014
Yeah, but you didn’t have a Hatchimal.
No one cared about leaving children in cars when I was young. I lived in the back of an old Buick with a pack of wild dogs until I was 9.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) August 19, 2014
Guess who didn’t get that chemistry set she really wanted.
I'm not a mad scientist, I'm only slightly upset.
— Dr.PteiradactElf ❄⚒☄ (@geo_teira) June 7, 2015
Why would you celebrate disappoint during this time of year?
My kids quickly learned that Roman candles do not make the advent wreath.
For the third week in a row.— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) December 13, 2016
It’s called the kiddie table.
You could eat off the floor in this bathroom, but that's just a euphemism. We have a dining room.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 12, 2016
He knows.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: I don't know, can you see me sitting at my desk?
— khal-LIV-si (@liv_thatsme) December 9, 2016
Especially this time of year.
[first date]
ME: Do you have any hobbies?
SATAN: I enjoy corrupting the souls of man
ME: That's not really a hobby, is it? That's your job— mo (@chuuew) December 3, 2016
Upcycled gift for the win.
got a used Teddy Ruxpin and it’s perfect except the tape skips and he says everything twice. i’ve said it before, but this bear’s repeating.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) December 11, 2016
Not what I’d serve, but okay.
[eating fistfuls of cold spaghetti]
men love me and women want to be me— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 5, 2016
We can Photoshop that out.
the holiday season really brings out the dead in your eyes
— Soyourelikethat® (@soyourelikethat) December 11, 2016
Something tells me he isn’t going to be excited about the Rubik’s Cube I got him.
"I've yet to come across a problem that can't be solved by brute force and ignorance" I say while tossing a jigsaw puzzle into my fire pit.
— Phteven (@CodyJP9412) May 12, 2016
Because it’s festive. Next question.
Why would you kill them with kindness when there are so many other fun and creative ways to murder someone?
— The Miller's Tale (@JaneBadall) December 6, 2016
Soon, the new year will overtake us and we’ll be out of card season, at least for a minute. The world will settle down into cold and semi-hibernation as we wind up for the next season of photography. There will truly be peace.
Mostly. Except for that one person we forgot to send a card to, even though she didn’t send a card to us. Maybe because she doesn’t have our address, but whatever. Thankfully, we have other ways of taunting such folks with perfection, like Facebook. Trust me, however we go about it, they’ll appreciate it, like finding a couch in a field.
How dare you have the same expectations of me that I have of you? HOW. DARE. YOU.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) December 16, 2016
