The tumultuous campaign of 2016 is nothing if not the most thorough melding yet of American politics and reality TV. The drama even occasionally rises to Real-Housewivesian levels, so each campaign player should have his or her own sassy tag line. I consulted the comprehensive Bravo guide to “Real Housewives” tag lines and went to work.
Team Trump
Paul Manafort:
“They say In Russia, campaign runs you, but we’re in America, where I run things…oh.”
Corey Lewandowski:
“A lot of people claim to have a lot of pull in this town, but is theirs on surveillance video?”
Kellyanne Conway:
“I’ve always dreamed of doing the impossible. Now, I’m Donald Trump’s campaign manager.”
“Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend. Polling is.”
Mike Pence:
“I’m just Gene Hackman living in Dennis Hopper’s campaign.”
Steve Bannon:
“Some people say I’m a narcissistic sociopath. Sounds like a job qualification to me.”
Michael Cohen:
“They say politics is all about who you know. I say ‘Says who?'”
Donald Trump Jr:
“I may have been born on third base, but I’m pretty sure I hit a home run.”
Melania Trump:
“I have a brand new initiative called ‘Let’s Move.'”
Team Clinton
Robby Mook:
“Dean, McAuliffe, Clinton — my career is the ‘Pokemon Go’ of criminals and crazies. And, I like it that way.”
John Podesta:
“I’ve been through the revolving door so much, I make it look like a Gravitron.”
Huma Abedin:
“Carlos Danger may be my husband’s name, but my middle name is ‘Danger to National Security.'”
“Amateurs slide in your DMs. But I’m a pro, and we slide on charges of mishandling classified information.”
Bill Clinton:
“Hillary said I had to get back to ‘fighting trim’ for this campaign, but I say I’ve never fought trim before. Why start now?”
Chelsea Clinton:
“Some are born with silver spoons in their mouths. Mine were stolen from the White House and paid for by taxpayers.”
“I went through my awkward phase in the national news. Now, my family’s back to make the national news real awkward.”
“Some people call it a year of Ivy League tuition. I call it a lunchtime speaking fee.”
Tim Kaine:
“The problem with politics is it’s so full of discord. That’s why I always pack a harmonica. Oh, God, I’m boring.”
Joe Biden:
“Oh, Jesus, I should have run.”
“When this country’s going off the rails, call on Dr. Amtrak.”
“America’s gonna get hot under the blue collar when they hear my Scranton slang. Malarkey.”
