In “Dazed and Confused,” Wooderson was right. Maybe not about high school girls, but his philosophies both on watching the leather when getting into his car and the importance of livin’, l-i-v-i-n, were spot-on. At present, it seems we may have forgotten that advice, and are focused more on being afraid and distrustful.
Well, to that we should say balderdash. As Wooderson continued, we have nothing to fear but fear itself—and also that geese may evolve into venomous creatures. Until such a dark day, though, we can still grab life by the cojones and make the most of it. All it takes is a little boldness.
Wife: Are you eating that whole roll of cookie dough? You know that serves like 10 people, right? Me: Yeah, 10 pussies, maybe.
— keith (@tchrquotes) June 2, 2014
I do not know what "high fives" are but I've become more and more proficient at blocking these overhead strikes you're trying to hit me with
— bog hog (@malt_skull) May 7, 2015
Really, bring it.
I would fight a dozen rabid raccoons rn fueled by nothing but nutter butter snack bars and hormonal rage
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) July 26, 2016
Make it worthwhile.
Snake: [biting me for forcing a tiny hat on him]Me: [through tears] Worth it.
— Sarcastic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) July 26, 2016
Like really bring it.
If someone invites you over, and says to "bring whatever" a fun prank is to bring them a pet parrot.
— Jess (@jessokfine) June 13, 2016
But do your research.
I've only ever used Pinterest for evil.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) July 24, 2016
And take matters into your own hands.
Don't let anyone spoil your happiness.Spoil your own damn happiness.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 6, 2016
Really take it into your own hands.
[during sex]HER: I want you to make me screamME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 25, 2016
Get literal if you have to.
ME: Let me explain the birds and the bees. *pulls out bird cage and throws a beehive in it* Any questions?KIDS: OMG! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!!!
— The Pale Rider (@truegritrumble) July 25, 2016
Don’t eschew honesty.
[at amusement park]"Welcome to Antique Photo Emporium. How many…uhh, people in your portrait?"Me (holding blow up doll): Just one.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 25, 2016
But also get creative if you have to.
*loads up an uber with 7 cats, 4 dogs, 8 chickens and a penguin*"Take us to the zoo, driver! It's family day for single moms!"
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) July 25, 2016
I love you just the way you are.(secretly wishes you dressed like a conquistador)
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) July 24, 2016
Really, really creative.
*Putting ikea furniture together*Her: ummm, it's supposed to be a dresserMe:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA
— J (@Dis0beyJay) April 7, 2016
You’ve got training, after all.
Wife: I have my PhD in Microbiology and ImmunologyMe: *trying to fish my bagel out of the toaster with a knife*
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) December 18, 2015
Regardless, there will always be haters.
I just burned 1738 calories doing 23 minutes of arguing with my grandmother about whether or not to wear pearls with a specific dress.
— Baberaham Lincoln (@theekillerqueen) July 25, 2016
So you do you.
Therapist: Describe yourself in one word.Me: No.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) July 22, 2016
Loud and proud.
My neighbors appreciate when I sing about my love for Tennessee whiskey at 6am.
— Jodih (@jodihull77) July 22, 2016
And just keep livin’.
Pour the whiskey and turn up the music.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) July 23, 2016
Because the alternative is dying.
When I'm sad my dog licks my face because she can't hold a boombox outside my window.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) July 23, 2016
Or being curious about every little thing.
You know that stage where you discuss interests, hobbies, careers, and passions?I spend that time trying not to quote Curious George.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) July 21, 2016
I considered asking if I offended you, but I'd rather just assume I did.
— Perfect Mess (@XOperfectmessXO) July 18, 2016
Remember the ’80s.
It's hard to "live in the moment" when describing how underrated Duran Duran is.
— Eric B (@enigmaterics) July 23, 2016
Really remember. Dig deep.
currently inside my chrysalis, stirring my amorphous mess, fueling rapid cell division, metamorphosing into Ethel Merman
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) June 25, 2015
Also, though, look to the future.
DATE: lets have some fun later ME: *is thinking about the bouncy castle in my backyard* mhm yeah ok
— Olivia (@Notoliviasteel) July 22, 2016
Stay aware of your surroundings.
The other day I yelled at a squirrel for sleeping wrong, so it's safe to say heat and humidity affect me in mysterious ways.
— Corky (@CorkyCrash) July 15, 2016
Even if your surroundings shift.
I thought you were dead.*the ghost just chuckles*
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) June 23, 2016
Or are transient.
Me: Empty? I thought you said hemp tea.my grandma: So lit rn…*she continues to lick my face*
— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 23, 2016
You didn’t arise from nothing.
I'm not exactly famous yet, but I'm a descendant of the guy who fell off the Mayflower, so infamy is in my blood. So is falling down.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 22, 2016
So capture greatness.
If I die a thousand deaths, do I live a thousand lives? Because that actually seems pretty amazing.
— Minion (@miffedmim) July 21, 2016
Me: A paradox? Is like how after eating 6 hot dogs, I still feel emptyKid: How come all your word definitions have hot dogs in em?
— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) July 23, 2016
And make your work worthwhile.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
— Hawlk (@the_hawlk) November 4, 2015
Keep your eye on the prize.
Times when "you're not like other girls" is a good line:1. She's a lizard person2. She's literally half-human, half-lizard3. Gecko lady
— Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) July 4, 2015
Learn along the way.
Fuck yeah I wanna hear about how you compost
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) June 26, 2016
*throws a rock at a bird*Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) July 29, 2015
as narcissus gazed into the pond, he saw his reflection's mouth open terrifyingly wide. in shock, he fell in and was swallowed whole.
— the ortolan (@rachelle_mandik) July 19, 2016
[graduation]*whispers to a mom next to me* hey can u film my kid? I drained my battery snapping slutty Marilyn Monroe selfies.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) June 4, 2016
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
— chris (@fightforfood) July 21, 2014
I'm a thief when it comes to taking bad advice.
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) September 15, 2014
Have you been drinking?Heavily?For weeks?
— Mermaid (@Jazzzzzmina) July 12, 2016
You haven't really lived until you have to explain to a cop why there's a life sized Big Bird hanging out your sun roof.
— Miss Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) July 21, 2016
Car salesmen: How's this one? Want to kick the tires?Me: Alright, I'll kick the tires and you punch the windshield. Let's fuck this car up.
— Raymundo (@muyrando) August 29, 2015
Cold showers are a summertime luxury until you don't have any other option.
— the purple lady (@th_purpl_lady) July 20, 2016
Because the truth is out there.
Good morning, sun! Good morning, sky! Good morning, tree garbage (birds)!
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) July 14, 2016
And it’s singular.
Son, I happen to know a thing or two about life *checks notes* Sorry, one thing. I only know one thing about life
— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) July 13, 2016
[Aretha Franklin, on my doorstep, with the candlestick]
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) July 15, 2016
And if it doesn’t kill you.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) April 18, 2013
Then you throw down.
*crashes penguin habitat in the zoo with a bucket of fish*
— Grumblr™ (@ohthatbadger) July 24, 2016
You gave it your all, after all.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I've looked.
— LollyGagger (@TrueTorontoGirl) June 16, 2016
And you got creative.
If I ran an Anger Management class I'd cancel it all the time at the very last minute just to see the reactions.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 27, 2016
At least you’re aware of the reason why.
I am the reason why I can't have nice things.
— Noah Kinsey (@thenoahkinsey) July 8, 2016
And once you know the why, you can start working to improve. Begin with little things, like romance.
[looking out on a moonlit beach]Wife: What are you thinking?Me: This beach is lit af
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) July 24, 2016
Then move on to bigger projects.
Follow me on Pinterest if you're into distressed furniture and diabetes.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) July 26, 2016
From there, your happiness will only multiply.
SHIT I LEFT MY ACCORDION ON THE BACK SEAT & DIDN'T LOCK MY CAR!*runs out to parking lot*Weird; now there's 2 accordions on my back seat.
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) July 26, 2016
And offer you a nice bouquet.
My favourite flowers? Sauvignon Blanc.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) July 21, 2016
That’s why they don’t bring you flowers anymore.
I feel like everyone hates me today Everyone who knows me: Just today?
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) July 6, 2016
Maybe they hate because they’re jealous. It’s what haters do.
Yes, I am this fascinating.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) May 13, 2016
Doing things like this doesn’t help with the likability factor.
[starbucks]me: can i take some wifi home with me?barista: um. sure(?)me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
— BJ (@iamburtjarvis) June 30, 2016
So there you have it. Follow the advice above, or at least aspire to have people say such things about you, and you too can get back to livin’. If that doesn’t work, you can always offer your services to someone else. References are required.
It's so hard to find reliable evil henchmen these days.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) July 22, 2016