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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 54

By: Rich Cromwell
9 min read

What did I tell you about touching the thermostat?

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Father’s Day is upon us, which means dads across the country are being forced to care about Father’s Day. Sure, some do, and booze is nice. There’s the chance our wives will take the kids away from the house for a few hours while we do absolutely nothing except watch truly great movies. There’s also the chance we’ll get stuck doing yardwork or other chores.

After all, the only reason we are being celebrated is because we are dads, and being dad comes with myriad responsibilities. It’s not just guarding the thermostat, mowing the grass, and putting our dirty laundry in the general vicinity of the laundry basket. It’s also attempting to do projects we said yes to when we weren’t really paying attention or because we watched a YouTube video.

In the end, though, our wives and children do appreciate us, and they take time to show us just how much.


At least give him a couple of beers to take up there with him.


It’s in the rule book.


This is the real No. 1 dad.


And that’s how we ended up on grout and roofing duties.


Some of us actually get out and relax on Father’s Day, maybe take in a few holes.


I don’t think this is a joke.


I know this isn’t a joke.


They don’t appreciate all our accomplishments.


Not to be similarly unappreciative, but couldn’t this be an everyday rule?


As they should be.


So you’re saying he did a good job?


Another example of doing a good job.


That’s a respectable grade, especially if dealing with Singapore math.


Oooh, I haven’t tried this one, and threatening to sell them to the circus has lost its efficacy.


BURN!


When I said I didn’t want anything for Father’s Day, I wasn’t aware of this device, and need to change my answer.


This sounds like something a kid would say when you tell him to stop trying to dominate the weather.


Sweet. See you at Home Depot.


It’s Father’s Day. Time to rectify that.


Or an exciting holiday afternoon!


What was Polaroid for, then?


But they have exceptional knife skills.


This would be impossible with a Polaroid.


Hmmm, this is another tantalizing gift idea.


We are generous, but wait a minute.


Another gift to add to the growing list.


Sounds like father material, so yes.


I tell my kids this every time they leave the house without me.


As you age and grow your family, you don’t rage quite as hard as you once did.


Obviously.


Not today.


You can never be too bold.


You can make fun of our dad bods and dad jeans, but we do have our charms.


Same.


Also, never put ketchup on them.


As far as awful flying creatures go, they’re almost as bad as geese. Almost.


No. “Haha” is one word.


As a father, it’s important to keep your children grounded, even if their heads are in the stars.


Especially after you mow the lawn. It’s a magical time and you want to get it just right.


They’re almost as dangerous as startled bagpipe players.


We may be aging and our kids may wear us down, but we can still take time for a night on the town. Don’t forget to make the most of it.


Fatherhood changes a man. Whereas once he didn’t care about thermostats and the finer art of lawn upkeep, now they are his passions, the things that drive him. And not just because the kids like to mess around with the former and turn the house into a sauna or destroy the latter while having fun, but because they’re both mostly quiet. Remember, though, no matter what we say, we’re loving every minute of it. Mostly.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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