Aaron Copland, ‘Billy the Kid’
Have a crush on a boy named Will, William, Bill, or Billy? This piece could help you snag him! You might run into some trouble if his name is William and he actually hates being called Billy. Also, be careful if he’s short or has a complex about being treated like a child. Or if Aaron Copland killed his father.
Saint-Saëns, ‘Le Carnaval des Animaux’
Feel like your summer fling is moving too slowly? “The Carnival of the Animals” could be the “bark” your relationship needs! Impress your insignificant other with your robust knowledge of French culture, while slyly mentioning that the French did other things well, too! If you’re really clever, the movements themselves provide plenty of opportunities to make ham-fisted double entendres (My, what “Long Ears” you have…).
Gustav Holst, ‘The Planets’
Summer offers plenty of opportunities to smoke a bowl of barbecue with friends under the stars. If you feel like showing off, drop “The Planets” into your MiniDisc player and wow your friends with your out-of-order knowledge of most of our solar system’s planets. “Get out of here, Neil deGrasse Tyson!” they’ll lovingly say. “This planet is too small for one NGT as it is,” they’ll joke. “Everyone hates you,” they’ll surely jest, as you leave crying.
John Philip Sousa, ‘Stars and Stripes Forever’
Nothing says “no strings” like a concert band! Make your FWB feel safer knowing you’ll never emotionally invest in him by playing this while holding hands and watching fireworks at the lake.
United Airlines, ‘Rhapsody in Blue’
Chasing a Na’vi or someone who’s gone hypoxic? Add this to the soundtrack of your summer! They certainly will appreciate the thematic significance. If you’re a gift-giver, you can use this opportunity to add a soundtrack to the present by playing Unwrapsody in Blue. The clever wordplay will literally cause them to explode. “Rhapsody in Blue”: turning that Gershwing into a GershWIN.
Richard Wagner, ‘Der Ring des Nibelungen’
Proud Donald Trump supporters, they’ll call you the salt-right with this summer anthem! Catch some blue-eyed, blonde herring aboard Das Brinegold. Or enjoy a gin and teutonic on Sieg Isle as you enjoy the themes of your spiritual predecessor!
Serge Prokofiev, ‘Peter and the Wolf’
Can you imagine a fun beach party that didn’t include a bird, a cat, a duck, a grandfather, hunters, a wolf, and a boy named Peter? Might as well call it a beach farty. So make sure you pack all the above in your beach bag, as well as your flute, clarinet, oboe, bassoon, trumpet, violin, and French horn. And if playing a timpani to represent gunshots during high tide isn’t your thing, just fire off a real gun.
Wolfgang Mozart, ‘Symphony 25 in G Minor’
Mozart composed this jam when he was only 17 years old. Take yourself back to the days of drinking cheap brews with your bros and chasing hotties in bikinis with this upbeat dancefloor banger that simply screams “Summer!”
Ernest Bloch, ‘Violin Concerto’
Summertime is the perfect time to throw down with a block party. Who better to provide the tunes for your party than Ernest Bloch? This epic mix will give you a chance to show off all your moves, from dropping it like it’s hot to slow-grinding with your newly single neighbor from across the street.
Dmitri Shostakovich, ‘Symphony No. 5 (Finale)’
Starting with a sultry beat that pulsates through your loins and gets you ready to groove, this track leads you to dizzying highs—much like those you’ll experience with the aforementioned neighbor, but it won’t leave you feeling down the next morning. With a strong finish, it reminds you there is no walk of shame if you’re pumping your fist and holding your head high as you walk back home. To your place across the street.
Franz Liszt, ‘Love Dream’
If we learned anything from Sandy and Danny—well, anything besides the fact that grease is the word—it’s that summer love has its tender moments. You can’t bump and grind 24/7; you need some downtime. For those more tender moments, Liszt has you covered with this romantic tune. At less than six minutes, you don’t have to worry about being too tender, especially if you get up to retrieve a fresh brew during part of it.
Claude Debussy, ‘La Mer’
Getting tanned and taut at the beach, showing off that string bikini or appreciating those who are doing the showing off, seeing more blondes than you would if you were watching an ‘80s hair-metal video? If so, then this track is for you. Literally translated as “the sea,” Debussy created a beach anthem for the ages that’s perfect for getting frisky next to the fire.
Felix Mendelssohn, ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream Overture Op. 21’
Summer may be a time for summer love, but it’s also a time to throw down with your crew. This jam featuring a full symphony will keep you and your people amped as the party, and the summer, keep on rolling. With enough soft moments to give you time to freshen the red Solo cup of a certain someone who’s been catching your eye, or to slip off to a spare room “to talk,” this banger shows that midsummer nights offer much more sweetness than mere sweet dreams.
