When you throw a party in international waters, things are going to happen. Namely, you might lose a few of your shipmates, particularly if you’re dealing with scurvy and navigating the clouds, or in this case, the cloud
Never fear, though, for I am not one to leave people lost at sea, at least not so long as I can find them. And find them I did, thanks to some flares and the bird’s nest. I also picked up a couple of people who had gotten lost after their plane went down, but I didn’t pick up any smoke monsters. Now they’re here, still ready to party, gamble, and maybe go out with a bang.
Just want to crowd source this one. When I die, having myself stuffed full of candy and used as a pinta—fun party or party foul?
Nicole Leigh Shaw (@NicoleLeighShaw) April 20, 2016
Well-played, little man. I’m ducking impressed.
4: Mommy, why do giants say lots of F words?
4: Fi. Fi. Fo. Fum.
Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 8, 2016
Not the best rap battle ever.
Sorry I drank all the 'blood of Christ' and sang "Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby Jesus" in the middle of your office holiday party.
Marlebean (@Marlebean) December 2, 2014
On second thought, maybe this rap battle is about to get interesting.
"I can't feel my face when I'm with you." – me, to this bottle of Pinot Noir I accidentally finished
Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 15, 2016
Don’t get hasty. I found you.
Simba, everything the light touches is my Kingdom. ~ Me drunk, talking to the dog and shining a flashlight onto my Final Demand letters.
Vice_Queen (@Vice_Queen) May 20, 2016
This is why we have a cruise physician/pharmacist.
It's like this 18 month old doesn't care if I'm hungover.
keith (@tchrquotes) January 1, 2015
I probably need a first mate. Given our mission, I think she’ll do, though she might lurk around the break room too much.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job? Me: Leftover birthday cake.
Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 18, 2016
We’re going hunger games in the castle ‘cause we’re savages in the castle.
No basic bitches in my bouncy castle
Jordan (@jordan_stratton) June 29, 2015
Anything goes on the high seas.
This prostitute's looking at me like she's never been solicited to babysit before.
majesticminge (@majesticminge) November 24, 2015
Of course, the voyage includes entertainment.
I'll bet, at the end of a long day, Stevie Nicks relaxes by lighting candles, turning on the TV, and levitating just above her couch.
Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) May 18, 2016
And a theme song.
My 6yo asked to hear Livin on a Prayer as her lullaby song before bed tonight so I guess I'm nailing this parenting thing.
Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 18, 2016
The theatre troupe may have spent too much time with Dr. Gonzo.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version-Give me the ring.-No.
Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) May 18, 2016
While stopping rodents, this cat is threatening to ruin our good time.
[Food Network: Cake Wars]As the team barely delivers their massive cake to the judges table.Cat Judge pushes it off the table
Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) May 17, 2016
“You shouldn’t have pushed that cake, either.”
"You only live once."-Cat god explaining to Mr. Fluffyboots why he's in cat heaven already after he chewed on a powercord.
Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) May 24, 2016
We also have a gift shop on board. Make sure to check it out.
Nothing is scared
There's a fetish for everything And It's buy two get one black endless void for free at your local 7-11
Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 26, 2015
And we have decorations.
Shut up. Wind chimes are classy.
Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) May 14, 2016
The decorations, while entertaining, also sometimes cause some bodies to be tossed overboard.
I worry my neighbours only fight because of my massive wind chime collection.
Noodles (@Dawn_M_) May 12, 2016
The divorcees come prepared.
She was a classy dame alright. Real high society. Fancy car, fur coat, portable bidet with attendant–the works.
Must Be 18 To Meh (@TheAlexNevil) May 19, 2016
There’s always one who broods no matter how lively the festivities.
*rage stares into the abyss*
WittySassBasket (@WittySassBasket) May 10, 2016
I wasn’t as keen about adding this feature, but it is good for romantic entanglements.
Any place is a fireplace if you're mad enough.
jerm, interrupted (@JermHimselfish) May 13, 2014
Has anyone checked the fireplace?
Donner, party of….where did everyone go?
Krispy (@P0tterhead_394) May 22, 2016
I’m not really sure why I hired sirens to be the onboard entertainment, but no one leaves, so maybe it was a brilliant move.
A little known fact about the three witches that appear from time to time across mythology is that they are insanely jealous of each other
DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) May 22, 2016
Thanks! I worked really hard on it.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) May 17, 2016
I said I worked really hard on the décor.
i would probably go outside more if it had couches
FRO VO (@fro_vo) May 1, 2016
Hey, man, this isn’t a ferry!
HER [drunk]: you have a beautiful homeME: it's actually a dodge grand caravan but thank you
Nice Eric (@ericsshadow) May 18, 2016
On this boat, it’s yours. Always and forever. Or at least ‘til you need a refill.
87% of parenting is just asking "Who's drink is this?"
Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 14, 2016
There’s a reason it’s called the poop deck.
After a decade of parenting, I can confidently offer this critical piece of advice:Do NOT vacuum or mop before a kids' birthday party.
Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) February 7, 2015
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not get hasty on the goat.
My 8yo just added two totally reasonable things to her birthday wish list:
1. Breanna's base guitar from School of Rock
2. A mountain goat
Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 9, 2016
Excessive lighting is forbidden here. Please report the offender to Officer Ruffs.
So. About the neighbor who leaves his blinding porch light shining into our bedroom all night. Should I a) murder him or b) murder him?
Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) August 6, 2015
Excessive lighting, not all lighting. Don’t go nuts.
beware diet advice that recommends "eating light," for that is most certainly the way you become a black hole
rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) May 19, 2016
We can make that happen. Something by Taylor Swift or nah?
I just feel like my life would be so much better if I had exit music every time I left a room.
Jen P (@jenp33333) November 20, 2015
Stop distracting the guards. Our pirates have been drinking rum and may be a little slow if we’re attacked.
Sorry I got turned on when you talked about crossbows.
Ivsy (@Ivsy01) March 1, 2016
One flaw of being out on the high seas is connectivity. Or maybe it’s a feature.
My wifi goes down more than your mom at a Poison concert.
Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 12, 2016
And when we wake up in the morning.
*opens eyes**looks around*"Yeah….. I guess"
ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 25, 2016
Another activity for us to enjoy!
I've learned everything I'll ever need to know about people by throwing rocks at them.
Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) May 13, 2016
Maybe a stowaway. Proceed with caution.
Friend: I'm getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) May 12, 2016
Out here, she might be the one with a pistol.
The way my toddler reacts when we approach her room at bedtime is how a normal person would react if I approached them with a pistol
Mr. Hook™ (@Phook75) May 19, 2016
Why is everyone so sleepy? Oh…
I was hoping to multitask and be cost effective, but it turns out chloroform is not that flammable.
Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) May 13, 2016
We’re in outlaw territory. We can test this assertion. Where’s the ship’s doctor?
If they performed a lobotomy on me, surgeons would see claw marks on the inside of my skull.
Revveler (@NotARatsAss) May 24, 2016
What did I say about evidence and who made yearbooks?
I'm going to start signing everything "Have a nice Summer".
Stewnami (@stewnami) May 25, 2016
And who brought their kids? Just kidding. This is a family-friendly floating den of lawless iniquity and debauchery.
My son asked me what it's like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn't sleep.
Я. (@iinkedZombie) May 13, 2016
When we wake up, we won’t wake with our children, but this. It’s kind of terrifying, but oh so much more effective than an alarm clock.
A shadowbeing claws its way into existence, a howl beyond the half light "Where's da soup, M'Lord? I'm famished!"
Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) May 16, 2016
It has become customary for people not to celebrate their birthdays, but their birthday weeks. I guess I’ve now given into that trend myself, albeit for good reason—the aforementioned fight with a cloud. But I showed it. I showed it, indeed.
Don't just stand there, tell me you're stupid.
∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) May 20, 2016