“Hurt feelings are bound to happen. Just bliss out and fantasize a lot and wear rainbows.” So begins the song “Jonathan” by Hail Mary Mallon. As far as I can tell, it is sadly not something uttered by some soothsayer on copious amounts of drugs, but a joke created by the hip-hop duo. That’s too bad, because that person would be loads of fun on the Internet.
Since she’s not, we have to settle for Yoko Ono, although her advice is less practical, even when compared to the part about wearing rainbows. In any case, hurt feelings are bound to happen, especially if you interact with people on the Internet, so just bliss out, though maybe choose more substantial clothing because hurt feelings can also happen out in nature.
Bjork's swan dress but it's me fighting a goose at the beach.
— V. (@Lovestained555) March 12, 2016
A cup of tea will relax you when you’re upset.
"Tisane?", I ask sweetly, while I prop my foot up on the skull of my enemy.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) April 20, 2016
Why are you shrinking them instead of making footrests? The jars are for sun tea.
As a housewife I feel like I have the required number of mason jars in my house but what am I supposed to put in them again? Shrunken heads?
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) April 12, 2016
I think this counts as blissing out, although it may lead to hurt feelings.
"CANNONBALL," I shriek each night as I make my running approach toward the bathtub.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) April 16, 2016
Taste the rainbow, be the rainbow. People on the ground may want to watch out for the end of the rainbow.
When I die I want my remains poured out of an airplane over the Grand Canyon. But don't cremate me. Just dump my body on some tourists.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) November 6, 2013
This guy may have the copious amounts of drugs I mentioned in the intro.
Cop: You have the right to an attorney
Me: *gestures to rabid raccoon* That's him
Raccoon: *bares teeth*
Cop: Easy lil fella *uncuffs me*
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 20, 2016
This neighbor might have drugs, too.
Me: Let's see, who will I hate today
*hears neighbor blasting world music in back yard
Me: There's candidate #1
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) April 17, 2016
That’s gotta hurt.
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) April 18, 2016
“Is that a bomb dropped by a space invader hurtling toward us from that window?”
You say "kill them with kindness." I say "you're pronouncing defenestration wrong."
— Beard and Butter (@foxnerdrn) January 13, 2016
She will knock you out of a window without breaking eye contact.
Fun fact: Your pet cat is actually a robot spy.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) April 18, 2016
Blissing out doesn’t have to be peaceful.
My dad told me to shoot for the moon. Been doin' it for years. Most bullets in space are mine.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) April 21, 2016
Nor does it require one to be unproductive.
Presses you against a wall.
Pins your hands over your head with one hand.
Kisses you hard.
Folds a fitted sheet one-handed with the other.
— α geek (@alfageeek) June 17, 2014
This hurts my feelings.
I don't want to register for your site, I just want to leave a factually and grammatically incorrect comment on an inoffensive article.
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) April 22, 2016
Keith follows the advice I’ve been preaching.
Let's see who I outlive today.
– Keith Richards, everyday since 1835.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) April 21, 2016
She also knows what’s up when it comes to blissing out.
"I run this motherfucker" I whisper, so I don't wake my napping kids
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) March 19, 2016
If you can see it, you can achieve it.
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) April 11, 2016
He’s just living his truth. At least he’s not living it down by the river. Yet.
Right now my son is pretending to have a van he's driving around and is forcing me to go inside and eat his candy so I guess this is goodbye
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 22, 2016
The golf cart would be better than a van, though.
I love waking up in my bed and not next to an overturned golf cart on the 9th hole.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) February 18, 2016
That’s not the only word for it, but I like how you think.
You know when you buy so much wine at the liquor store that the clerk has to help you carry it out? There's a word for that. Capitalism.
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) April 3, 2015
You're not drinking enough water or using sunblock on your face like you should. It hasn't gone unnoticed.
This is a health account now.
— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) April 17, 2016
Did he say anything about rainbows?
My uber driver Aaron has a PT cruiser a pony tail and the most gentle laugh. Five out of five stars.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 23, 2016
This is how you do it.
I'm not drunk
She whispered to the house plant
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) April 25, 2016
— EmRose (@rose24_em) April 23, 2016
I hope one of my future sons-in-law does this.
She thinks I drink too much
He brought a 12 pack to my dad's funeral
I PUT ONE IN THE COFFIN, KAREN
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) April 21, 2016
Is it my kids, or are they too busy making fun of me for the same reason?
I'm just sitting in bed, whistling a song. Actually I'm lying, I can't whistle. It's embarrassing, and small children make fun of me.
— Nicole Kapp (@Nicole_Kapp87) April 23, 2016
That’s one way to deal with hurt and excessive feelings.
PMS: Mother's Day is coming up.
ME: I'm not a Mom.
PMS: Tell people you're pregnant.
PMS: For the attention.
ME: No, candy.
— sondra dee (@SondraDeeMe) April 23, 2016
I don’t know why she just doesn’t cheat. If you dream it, you can achieve it.
You think you have it rough? I'm playing hangman with a 6yo who can't spell.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 23, 2016
Keep on living the dream when others aren’t doing so as much anymore.
Excuse me, there's literally no sign in this funeral home that says I CAN'T wander in and play the theme to Golden Girls on my triangle, sir
— bethtato (@bourgeoisalien) April 22, 2016
That guy at the liquor store who helped carry everything is going to get such an earful tomorrow from someone.
If my calculations are correct,
the moment when I pour my next drink will be the exact time you will wish you would never have been born.
— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) April 24, 2016
He’s talking about cricket, and I refuse to believe otherwise.
I still don't understand this game
— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) April 22, 2016
Too much talk about whether rainbows would fit the dress code?
Long story short, I'm not allowed to conduct mock interviews anymore.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) April 14, 2016
Again, hurt feelings are bound to happen, but that is some bullshit.
It hurt my feelings when you described my erotic Saved By The Bell fan fiction as "derivative".
— Dāvids (@BumbleDC) April 23, 2016
Just take the money and don’t complain.
I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
— Marta Effing Ketchup (@MartaEffing) April 12, 2016
If you don't flip the game board over & start singing "All I Do Is Win" after beating your kid at Candyland, are you even a parent?
— Val W The Good Hair (@ValeeGrrl) April 23, 2016
Helicopter parents ruin everything.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 22, 2016
You know what to do.
I only get anxiety when I think of how many ants it would take to carry me
— Ya-Ya™ (@macchiatonumb) January 3, 2016
But it’s going to make the flautist and the person doing the whipping happy.
*Hears pan flute.
Oh shit, somebody's about to get their ass whipped.
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) October 5, 2015
Why can’t it be both?
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) April 26, 2016
Well, nothing and the moon.
My German shepherd taught herself to open the door. So now she can let herself out to bark at nothing.
— Corners (@AverageCorners) April 26, 2016
Are we not supposed to yell at earth?
Neighbour sang shoobydowop for 30 mins and is now scolding her flower beds and now I'm certain that's future me and time travel is real.
— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) April 21, 2016
We wore colorful clothes. Maybe that’s what the rainbows thing means.
Everyone in the '80s looked at least 35.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) April 25, 2016
Or squat on it and refuse to go.
Life is short. Buy the shoes. Maybe a house. A llama. Perhaps an island. Go bankrupt. Wave bye to your island.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) April 25, 2016
When your bliss out gets harshed.
The police classified my meltdown as major
They were just being pussies
— Obi Jawn (@ThaJawn) April 25, 2016
They were just trying to help you see stars.
You know those rock-filled socks that prison gangs use to dish out severe beatings? My 3YOs made those today and then swung them at my face.
— MUMSIE, ᴇsǫ. (@MUMSIEesq) April 20, 2016
Humpty Hump, is that you?
REMINDER: It's not a walk-of-shame if you're wearing a Burger King crown.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 24, 2016
Don’t complain. That makes it end sooner.
Mildly concerned for how relentlessly my daughter cheats at Candyland.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) February 14, 2016
Fear is their bacon bits.
In case of alligator attack, just let him win. He'd be sad otherwise.
— David David Katzman (@AGreaterMonster) April 12, 2016
Read the intro again. It’ll help you go another direction.
My wife and I keep shouting the same things over and over again. I think we're slowly becoming Rage Against the Machine.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) April 26, 2016
You re-read the intro, too.
[getting sexually harassed]
Alright, who put you up to this?
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) April 25, 2016
There are limits to how much blissing out you can do.
I don't care how "handsome" your grandma thinks you are, grown men don't wear flip flops with jeans.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 23, 2016
Dad never called me a loser to my face but the time he took me to see the Harlem Globetrotters, he bought me a Washington Generals shirt.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 6, 2015
Don’t bring him down, man, he’s doing his thing.
Me: Please use a fork to eat your food
6yo: *grabs each piece of food by hand and sticks on his fork one by one
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 26, 2016
This would hurt. This would hurt a lot.
piss me off and I'll put you on my kid's school fundraiser mailing lists
— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) September 16, 2015
The Internet really does offer some great benefits.
I took my smart ass somewhere it's appreciated.
— Mrs Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) April 28, 2016
*roundhouse kicks neighbor's mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) February 19, 2016
Were you wearing a rainbow?
Their eyes meet across a crowded room. She silently makes her way over to him. He leans in close: STOP STALKING ME.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) April 27, 2016
He is the Celine Dion of rap.
[Drake riding a scooter] "WEEEEEeeeeee"
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) June 6, 2015
Do not bliss out. Hurt feelings are about to happen. Run!
Your dog always looks so concerned. Why do you think that is?
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) April 27, 2016
No Kohl’s Cash?
"One day this will all be yours."
I say dramatically while opening a safe deposit box filled with Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) April 25, 2016
Don’t wish that. The bars get less open with each subsequent one. It’s expensive.
Minister: Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Me: (leaning against the open bar) May it be the first of many!
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 26, 2016
They do dream a lot, so things could be worse.
There is no doubt I come from raccoons.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) April 23, 2016
That’s when the fight started.
[leaves comment under ever baby pic on FB]
"I know who the REAL father is"
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) April 27, 2016
Can't. Have to go win an international chess match against my Russian rival to help turn the tide of the Cold War back in our favor
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) April 27, 2016
Not a moment of bliss.
Mommy, you push Spiderman's penis and he shoots webs.
Me: That's his belt. But when a Spiderman and Mary Jane love eachother very much….
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 19, 2016
I know I’m a broken record, but hurt feelings are bound to happen. Especially when you have kids and a television.
If you could have dinner with the Bubble Guppies or Team Umizoomi, which household object would you use to bludgeon yourself?
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) April 27, 2016
Low expectations are the key to everything. Then you can, well I won’t say it again.
Thank you for always believing in the worst in me. It's comforting. Living up to the best expectation is a killer.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) April 26, 2016
When you set high expectations accidentally, then the result is hurt feelings.
Hey, eating penis in bed since you're away
Voice-to-text is awful w/ these nuts in my mouth
[Hubby bursts in, peanuts everywhere]
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 28, 2016
But they do sound blissful.
My social life is actually not as wild and crazy as these pink sequined cat slippers would have you believe.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 18, 2016
As does this.
I had a magic carpet once but it would only take me to Roscoe's House of Chicken and Waffles over on Gower Street
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) April 15, 2016
Peace out, and don’t forget what I’ve told you. If you follow my advice, you are guaranteed to live a life of resplendent bliss and peace and peaceful resplendent bliss. You may not live forever, but, then again, you may.
Woke up again. In your face, death!
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) October 9, 2014
My sarcasm is cleverly disguised as agreement.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) April 26, 2016