I guess a love letter to Taco Bell isn’t going to write itself. I’ve been meaning to sing its praises for some time, but I’ve put it off on account of the daunting nature. Writing this is like a basketball fan trying to write a tribute to Dennis Rodman. Or like a giddy, nervous kid writing to—I don’t know, Dennis Rodman.
Now, I don’t exemplify your “stereotypical Taco Bell consumer,” other than being a male and youngish. Okay, so maybe I do. But I’ve never done drugs. Also, I’ve never done drugs.
How does one begin to laud the Bell? Maybe I should start with the price. Few places offer a better quesacalorie bang for your crunchbuck. What other restaurant leads in creating a service that will optimize your cash-to-calorie purchasing power? You could get a 400-calorie Crunchwrap Slider for a dollar this spring! Make America great again? It’s great now months ago!
Another reason to love Taco Bell: Nostalgia. Millennials love nostalgia. My generation brought back Surge, Crispy M&Ms, and Point Break. Taco Bell has everything you love and loathe about your teen years: Mountain Dew, late hours, cheap food, Taco Bell, Mountain Dew. I’m sure everyone can fondly look back on those late nights grabbing tacos with Dennis Rodman and friends.
Or maybe I should talk about the selection. The chalupas, the gorditas, the Doritos Locos, the quesadillas, the Mountain Dew Freezes, the breakfast food. Have you had a steak AM Crunchwrap yet? It’s so good I once ate one, then returned an hour later and ate another one (D-Rod always called those “rebound” visits).
The King of All: The Quesalupa
But what inspired this hot, cheesy take? That great crunchy culinary confluence called a quesalupa. It’s like… a chalupa with… ques baked in it? I think there was cheese involved, too. I tried three different quesalupas in three days (don’t tell my wife), including the breakfast quesalupa. My review: good and at least worth trying. I won’t get them regularly. I need to stay in shape in case The Worm ever challenges me to a game of hoops again.
Taco Bell’s latest concoction provides one more, or maybe the, reason for my adoration: their see-what-sticksedness. They seem willing to try anything for the sake of my tummy, be it fried dough filled with Cinnabon icing or fried dough filled with the supposed flavor of Cap’n Crunch. To borrow a phrase, Taco Bell “tries s**t.” Maybe don’t make that the pull quote.
Regardless, I wanted to express my love. Were I a more talented individual, I would offer Taco Bell something other than words on a page. I’d give it its own artwork. A Bellyeaux Tapastry to the victor of the Franchise Wars.
