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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 43

By: Rich Cromwell
12 min read

Spring is definitely violent. It has, for example, man buns.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Spring is officially here and in full swing, minus a late freeze or three. Flowers blooming. Bees buzzing. Pollen turning everything green. Snakes hissing. The days getting longer and warmer as we’ve reclaimed our sunlight from the clock. Rabbits hopping about as birds of prey circle the afternoon sky.

For a season of rebirth, spring is pretty violent when you get right down to it. At least its majesty and beauty provides for some stunning photo ops.


There’s always that one last snow. Make the most of it.


Soon the pools will be open again.


You know what you’ll never encounter in a pool?


You will encounter this, rather these, at the pool, though.


What if we don’t want to come back?


This information isn’t as useful as that above.


Don’t forget to get out there and enjoy real nature.


Really enjoy it.


But treat her well. Mother Earth, leave no trace, and all that.


This was unavoidable, as she was listening to Lana Del Rey at the time.


She’s still putting flowers in there.


They complement the man bun.


When your goat gets tired of swimming, let him try other hobbies.


The skates make him quicker and more effective for the following.


Nature may be brutal, but it has a tender side as well.


Can you keep Otherkin as pets?


Maybe this is why his wife doesn’t like him.


She’s actually not sorry and that’s okay. It’s the only way he won’t learn.


Poor guy. Maybe he’ll come to love to new one just as much as he loved the old one.


Maybe it’s the same guy who swapped out the chameleons.


She’ll never become a super villain with this attitude.


Magic Mike: Origins.


So are you a transformer or what?


She’s just like Harry Ellis in “Die Hard.”


Especially when they result in getting shot.


Apparently she’s not a vampire. Or she’s a really tricky one. This is actually probably a big problem for vampires, now that I think about it.


*Smiles at herself in mirror*


This is completely ridiculous. How do they expect you to figure out what you want?


Another thing about the arrival of spring is spring break. Once you have kids, it’s a completely different matter than when you were young and you got the break.


Although the school is a little worried about little Cabbage Patch.


When spring break is approaching.


Just think of the memories and ways you can bring this up again and again once the kid is older.


If you didn’t ship them to the grandparents and are looking for brownie points, this might work.


So just like every other week but without homework.


But when they’re confined to one room there are fewer things to break.


Is he sending himself to his room?


Not like they’d eat it anyway.


This is a good activity because it happens outside.


She’s obviously upset and having dreams, forgetting what week it is.


When you get down to the kids’ level.


By the end of it all, you may be a little scattered and looking for stillness.


Or uttering nonsense.


That may arise from a different source.


How do you even do this?


This is less frightening than having a clown come after you.


Sorry, they’re not as scary because they’re furry and don’t have makeup.


Is it a squirrel?


Children aren’t the only ones looking for something to do over spring break. There’s also the whole rebirth thing.


Don’t freak the drifters out, though.


Maybe they just want to help you find a new career.


Perhaps one in acting and in singing.


Or maybe they really do want to murder you.


Did you read what I just wrote about not freaking people out? Be more like me. Hide it a little. It’s more fun and unpredictable.


Also, if you just put it out there you might make your guests uncomfortable.


The spectral entity was totally real, though.


Seriously. Just admit it so I can bask in your adoration.


Same. Wait, what?


I say this every day. It’s especially important this year.


What would’ve been the point?


We only know what we don’t know.


Yoga is like the “serenity now” of relaxation techniques. Don’t bottle those feelings up. Grab a bottle and let them out.


In the words of Ferris Bueller, life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around, you could miss it. So get out there and see the flowers, the return of greenery, all that jazz. Or stay inside. Either is really good with me.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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