A Guide To The Best And Worst Easter Treats Known To Man

A Guide To The Best And Worst Easter Treats Known To Man

If the world truly were good, and God real and loving, why would Peeps exist?
Rich Cromwell

Christmas gets all the lion’s share of the holiday glory, and I don’t mean Aslan’s. That’s fair; Christmas is a rather important season. Easter, though, is the most important Christian holiday on the calendar. The resurrection is pretty essential to the reason for the aforementioned season. As a result of this importance, Easter naturally does not get the lion’s share of recognition (even if it does get Aslan’s). Beyond that, there’s the matter of Peeps.

Yes, Peeps, those wretched, funky hunks of marshmallow sadness and evil disguised as cute little bunnies and chicks. They are a “treat” so horrible they were invented by Satan himself as part of a nefarious scheme to make people doubt the inherent goodness of the world. For if the world truly were good, and God real and loving, why would Peeps exist? (From there, Beelzebub went on to make raisins, but that’s an altogether different matter.)

Fortunately for us and our dentists’ mortgages, the forces for good did not allow the Dark Prince to go untested. They rose up, banded together, and headed to the heavenly kitchen to deliver us the ambrosia. (Not the godawful salad, but the real deal.)

Of course there are disputes about which candy is truly the king among sweets, but there is a clear winner. With that in mind, let’s pick up our golden tickets and take a sacrilicious walk through the finest—and worst—the season has to offer.

Cadbury Mini Eggs

I need to make sure you’re really paying attention right now. Notice what word is missing from the above? If you do not, I’ll spare you the search. It’s crème, as in Cadbury Mini Crème Eggs. Those are an entirely different thing.

Cadbury Mini Eggs are milk chocolate in a pastel candy shell that melts in your mouth and hot cars and in the sun, so have fun with the church egg hunt. Fortunately, they make up for the fact that they melt with their deliciousness. Moreover, their size and colors remind you of fairy eggs rather than of the rabbit eggs associated with the larger crème variety. And if there’s one thing that Easter is probably about, it’s fairy eggs.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs

People feel very strongly about Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs. They crave them, yearn for them, insist they are the best, even to the point of forsaking their family members three times before the rabbit crows just to lay their hands upon them. While it’s true they are delicious, they’re also available year-round. When discussing an appropriate sugary treat with which to celebrate Jesus rising from the dead, maybe go with one a little less common. Granted, Reese’s Eggs are in a different shape than Reese’s cups, but c’mon.

Robin Eggs

Much like Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, Robin Eggs are a slight deviation from a candy that’s available year-round, thus not befitting the occasion. People have mixed opinions on malted milk balls, with one person referring to them as “brittle little pieces of chocolate gravel!” The person who said that also thinks Episode III is the best “Star Wars” movie ever made, though, so we can ignore him. What we can’t ignore is that we’re talking about Easter, about miracles and rebirth. About hope. Robin Eggs are tasty, but they are not about rebirth and hope.

Jordan Almonds

Hard. Available year-round. They’re almonds with a candy coating. Although they possibly have roots in Rome, let’s agree it’s best to say “next” to these and move on.

Chocolate Bunnies

Other than desensitizing our children to eating animals starting with the face, it’s chocolate in a different shape. Sometimes it’s deceiving, and filled with air instead of more chocolate or caramel or, as some insist is good, marshmallow. Chocolate bunnies are fine when the chocolate is good-quality and solid, but when it comes to the liturgical calendar, plain chocolate isn’t up to par.

A Few More Words About Peeps

In “Ghostbusters,” it wasn’t happenstance that Gozer the Gozerian bigfooted around New York as a giant marshmallow man. Sure, Ray was only trying to think of something innocuous when the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man popped into his head, but that’s how true evil works. It’s insidious, just warm enough to be nonthreatening until it curb stomps you.

The same is true of Peeps. They appear to be cute little marshmallow barnyard critters covered in a layer of something resembling sugar, but beneath the surface they are pure evil and will slowly destroy your soul. As our affectionate Uncle Screwtape wrote, “Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one—the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.” Gentle, soft, and unmarked are the sign of the Peep.

Cadbury Crème Eggs

As Louis Farrakhan wrote on an Instagram post, “What is all of this nonsense about Easter eggs being laid by a bunny rabbit rather than a chicken?” He makes a solid point. Why are we talking about rabbits instead of chickens? Everyone knows rabbits don’t lay eggs.

Well, it seems that the Easter Bunny originated with German Lutherans and was first mentioned in 1682. Sometime after that, they evolved to become more platypus-like, began laying eggs, and delivered to us the delicious seasonal treat that is the crème egg. A delicious shell of milk chocolate lovingly encases a creamy fondant filling—real fondant, the edible kind, not that hard garbage bakers use to make impossible cakes.

This is why the crème egg reigns supreme over other candies, offering them hope and renewal. It is special and seasonal, a symbol of rebirth. It rightly reaps Aslan’s share of glory. Most important, it is delicious. The crème egg brings us together and gives opportunity to celebrate the world, each other, and all the sweetness life has to offer. If that’s not something you want to embrace this season, Cadbury also makes Caramel Eggs, and they’re pretty awesome, too.

Richard Cromwell is a senior contributor to The Federalist. Follow him on Twitter, @rcromwell4.

Copyright © 2016 The Federalist, a wholly independent division of FDRLST Media, All Rights Reserved.

comments powered by Disqus