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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 42

Once there was a shoemaker, although you now know him by a different name.

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Many years ago, there was a shoemaker and he was exhausted. He still needed to make shoes, though. Alas, fatigued and short on supplies, he fell asleep before finishing the work before him.

When he awoke, he found not only was the work completed, it was expertly done and with materials to spare. So he set about on making even more pairs of shoes, although he wondered who had helped him while he slept. He decided to stay up and find out and, much to his surprise, an elf was creeping in and working while he slept.

The shoemaker was so pleased with her work, that he followed her to the elven village, captured all the other elves, started a candy factory, and really put them to work. Thus, the legend of Willy Wonka was born.


Probably discovered by an Oompa Loompa as Willy poked it with a cattle prod.


What to say when loading your cart with delicious Wonka treats and balloons.


Should’ve gone with a pineapple.


Another argument in favor of pineapples.


You have to be a little more careful about flipping it over. Also, don’t land on the armored fruit.


*Eric Stratton smiles and starts talking about cucumbers*


Fake it ‘til you make it, grocery shopping edition.


Invest this for interest and you’ve got a strategy.


It pays to be creative when striving to achieve your goals.


Don’t just be about money, though. Everyone should have a hobby.


Time to take matters into your own hands.


Or just use your imagination.


Use caution. It can cause you to end up in strange places.


It can also lead you to magical and grand places.


Watch it to go really meta on acid.


Are you sure you really have a cat?


Given what we learned from “Christmas Vacation,” these could be good for home protection.


To be fair, it’s pretty pointless trying to negotiate with them.


Kids will do that to you.


Suuuuuure.


I like telling people at the playground I stole mine.


Then this happens.


Also fun to take to the playground. You get whatever piece of equipment you want all to yourself.


Danger, lies, and espionage do contribute to a happy childhood.


If you show mercy, they’ll grow up to be weak. Cobra Kai!


They also have lots of electronic gadgets.


What they didn’t show in “The Karate Kid.”


Speaking of the ‘80s.


She was trying to drop some knowledge about a great decade. This kid will come to appreciate it later.


Let’s not forget the ‘90s.


Or maybe we should forget the ‘90s.


We all have this person in our life.


Always a good strategy.


For example, this is plotting.


As is this.


Can you take it too far with the plotting? No, you cannot.


This plot, though, you probably don’t want to act on.


This one either.


This is a more appropriate level.


This is beyond accusation, but maybe the river spirit is really good with PowerPoint.


Don’t just assume you’re good to go on your schemes. Take time to reflect.


By reflecting, you’ll avoid having to clean up messy situations.


Situations like this.


Eh, if it’s not an interview you should be fine.


I could go for one of these right now. Maybe I should start plotting.


I wonder if there is such a thing as an Oxford coma. If so, I’ll take that. Also, she’s right.


As long as she doesn’t ignore Oxford commas, I’d check it out.


Is this performance art?


This isn’t art, but it is.


Interpretive vocalizations.


You do what you gotta do.


Not seeing the distinction here.


After all.


The cobbler hobbles back home, returning to his task of cobbling shoes. His time in the city and with his factory was fun, but, alas, there was a revolt. It’s really for the best as it gave him an opportunity to again reinvent himself, this time with fewer bratty kids and labor disputes.