Many years ago, there was a shoemaker and he was exhausted. He still needed to make shoes, though. Alas, fatigued and short on supplies, he fell asleep before finishing the work before him.
When he awoke, he found not only was the work completed, it was expertly done and with materials to spare. So he set about on making even more pairs of shoes, although he wondered who had helped him while he slept. He decided to stay up and find out and, much to his surprise, an elf was creeping in and working while he slept.
The shoemaker was so pleased with her work, that he followed her to the elven village, captured all the other elves, started a candy factory, and really put them to work. Thus, the legend of Willy Wonka was born.
Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (1971): maniacal candy baron enslaves pygmies and endangers lives of children in "Hunger Games" fashion.
— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) June 21, 2014
Probably discovered by an Oompa Loompa as Willy poked it with a cattle prod.
"It's armored and shaped like a beehive. I'm gonna try it."
– the first person to eat a pineapple
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) March 11, 2016
What to say when loading your cart with delicious Wonka treats and balloons.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid's birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
— Spanky McDutcherson (@thatdutchperson) February 6, 2015
Should’ve gone with a pineapple.
Came into the grocery 2 days ago for some fruit. I've been standing here trying to open this plastic bag ever since.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) March 1, 2015
Another argument in favor of pineapples.
My nemesis is cling wrap.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 8, 2016
You have to be a little more careful about flipping it over. Also, don’t land on the armored fruit.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) September 18, 2014
*Eric Stratton smiles and starts talking about cucumbers*
Squeezing produce at the grocery store for firmness is the closest I'll ever come to a public sex act.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 16, 2016
Fake it ‘til you make it, grocery shopping edition.
*stands next to a guy in line with kids so it looks like we're a family.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) January 8, 2016
Invest this for interest and you’ve got a strategy.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) November 16, 2014
It pays to be creative when striving to achieve your goals.
*puts ad on Craigslist*
PLEASE KILL ME!
*no responses*
*puts another ad on Craigslist*
Car for sale!
*102 responses*
*crosses fingers*
— The Fantastic Mr.Fox (@Camel_Crushin) March 15, 2016
Don’t just be about money, though. Everyone should have a hobby.
I love horses. I love brushing their hair. and seeing them try to escape my elaborate deadly traps. I love to feed them apples.
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) March 18, 2015
Time to take matters into your own hands.
Science needs to catch my dreams because I can't wait much longer to reanimate William Blake & have him write me sonnets about chemtrails.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) March 7, 2016
Or just use your imagination.
[My LSD Diary]
1:00-Ate LSD
1:20-Should kick in soon
1:50-Still nuthin
2:00-C'mon man!
2:15-I'm betrothed to a roll of houndstooth duct tape
— Abby O'Cohen, Yep (@abbycohenwl) March 17, 2016
Use caution. It can cause you to end up in strange places.
*on acid, talking to a raccoon
Me:I see why you like this garbage can
R:This is the tunnel slide at Chuck E Cheese & you're scaring the kids
— Mrs Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) February 19, 2016
It can also lead you to magical and grand places.
No thanks, reality. I'll stick with my delusions of grandeur.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) March 13, 2016
Watch it to go really meta on acid.
"Fantasia" is my favourite movie about a cartoon mouse on an acid trip.
— Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) March 5, 2016
Are you sure you really have a cat?
That moment you hear a loud noise down the hall and the cat is even looking at you like, "what the hell?"
I knew I should have got a dog.
— Cat…Most Days (@SheWearsChucks) August 18, 2015
Given what we learned from “Christmas Vacation,” these could be good for home protection.
My 1.5yo just spent 30 minutes at the park running after squirrels and yelling, "Dog! Dog!" So my work here is done.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 10, 2016
To be fair, it’s pretty pointless trying to negotiate with them.
My kids can either do what I say, or wait 5 minutes until I cave. It's up to them.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 15, 2016
Kids will do that to you.
*crosses hostage negotiator off list of possible career goals*
— tenley (@ProudFFAalumni) March 9, 2016
Suuuuuure.
Huffing, but just by accident because the whipped cream was almost out and I really wanted some.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) January 8, 2016
I like telling people at the playground I stole mine.
"I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this."
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I'll try shouting
— Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) March 11, 2016
Then this happens.
[dark alley]
Here's the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don't you want your kids back?
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) July 23, 2015
Also fun to take to the playground. You get whatever piece of equipment you want all to yourself.
I think it's about time you met my *family.
*mannequins
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) March 17, 2016
Danger, lies, and espionage do contribute to a happy childhood.
Stop relaxing, it's upsetting the children.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 21, 2016
If you show mercy, they’ll grow up to be weak. Cobra Kai!
I don't get parents who let their kids win, beating them at games is the only joy I have left.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 19, 2016
They also have lots of electronic gadgets.
Me: Where do you want to go this evening?
7yo: China
Me: China?
7yo: A lot of my toys come from there, so I bet it's fun.
— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) March 13, 2016
What they didn’t show in “The Karate Kid.”
Childhood did very little to prepare me for the amount of shouting at inanimate objects I'd do as an adult.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 18, 2015
Speaking of the ‘80s.
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00
12:00Life in the '80's dealing with VCR's.
— Busted Flip Flops (@GrillinChillin9) January 13, 2016
She was trying to drop some knowledge about a great decade. This kid will come to appreciate it later.
Me: "I love you…"
H: Aw, I lov-
Me: "…mony mo-mo-mony!"
H:
Me: "I said yeah!"
H:
Me: "Yeah!"
H:
Me: "OMG you're totally ruining this"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 15, 2016
Let’s not forget the ‘90s.
I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
— Lloyd Rang (@lloydrang) January 8, 2014
Or maybe we should forget the ‘90s.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you're Gunther.
— TheGreatGrizz (@_TheGreatGrizz_) October 27, 2015
We all have this person in our life.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) December 24, 2015
Always a good strategy.
All further inquires will be answered with "My bad, I've been busy plotting."
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) March 16, 2016
For example, this is plotting.
Interviewer: What is your five year goal?
Me: To hand a random stranger a package and say "hide this and don't ask any questions" then run.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) January 7, 2016
As is this.
If you pretend you can't read, you can get away with pretty much anything.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 15, 2016
Can you take it too far with the plotting? No, you cannot.
I never have to worry about going off the deep end.
I AM THE DEEP END.
— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) January 9, 2016
This plot, though, you probably don’t want to act on.
In my mind I have stabbed 4 people today if you're wondering how my day is going.
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) February 22, 2016
This one either.
I can't sleep.
Wanna help me kill a drifter?
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 15, 2016
This is a more appropriate level.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
— Jess O'Jess (@jessokfine) July 27, 2015
This is beyond accusation, but maybe the river spirit is really good with PowerPoint.
Hey babe, are you a wanton, vengeful river spirit because that's the specific incantation I recited
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) March 10, 2016
Don’t just assume you’re good to go on your schemes. Take time to reflect.
In life, everyone should follow their own path. Except you. You're following a psychopath.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) March 15, 2016
By reflecting, you’ll avoid having to clean up messy situations.
"When in doubt, drag it out"
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) March 15, 2016
Situations like this.
Dark Twitter
Where Droogs sip milk-plus and prep for a bit of the old ultra-violence.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) March 10, 2016
Eh, if it’s not an interview you should be fine.
Donated the wrong laundry basket to Goodwill, so it looks like I'll be wearing an Adidas tracksuit and hightops from '96 to work tomorrow.
— shhh, im thinking (@liv_thatsme) March 14, 2016
I could go for one of these right now. Maybe I should start plotting.
One delicious coma please.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 12, 2016
I wonder if there is such a thing as an Oxford coma. If so, I’ll take that. Also, she’s right.
What I lack in beauty, I make up for in crippling social anxiety and an unwavering rule about Oxford commas.
— Wicked Jen (@wickedsuga) March 14, 2016
As long as she doesn’t ignore Oxford commas, I’d check it out.
[at Art Exhibition]
"and now I will communicate my emotional depth with this interpretive Gif"
— Dollface Me (@dollfaceiam) March 15, 2016
Is this performance art?
What I thought a common garden snail turned out to be a rare warzone snail and, long story short, I am not expected to survive my wounds.
— Johnny McIrishName (@Probgoblin) March 13, 2016
This isn’t art, but it is.
Soon I'll have the capybara/pekingese Fire Wheel of Terror stunt perfected, then you'll see.
YOU'LL ALL SEE
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) March 1, 2016
Interpretive vocalizations.
Primal screaming my way through another sunny day.
— Tony™ (@tsm560) March 15, 2016
You do what you gotta do.
Way more of my life has been spent unironically screaming "stop screaming" than I would have predicted.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) March 20, 2015
Not seeing the distinction here.
When I said do your worst, I meant it as a playful taunt, not a dare.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) March 12, 2016
After all.
The truth might set you free or it might get you stabbed. The uncertainty is fun.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) March 12, 2016
The cobbler hobbles back home, returning to his task of cobbling shoes. His time in the city and with his factory was fun, but, alas, there was a revolt. It’s really for the best as it gave him an opportunity to again reinvent himself, this time with fewer bratty kids and labor disputes.
Spin yourself into a new existence
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) January 26, 2015