Hello and welcome to 2016! The last time we were together, it was 2015, if my math is correct. I was also only 39 the last time we met, whereas now I am 40.
Thus far, 40 has been very similar to my thirties, except for the fact that I’m feeling oddly compelled to get a convertible. At first I thought I should also get a girlfriend, per the rules of the game, but a friend told me to save something for 50. In any case, I do find myself yelling at youngsters much more than I used to and also having much stronger feelings about landscaping.
To the goth teens who keep defacing my garden gnomes, here is a "hot topic" for you: respect your elders.— ben™ (@benicus_rex) October 7, 2015
There are worse fates than worrying about teaching respect for one’s elders.
You're not a world weary, cynical intellectual. You're a self obsessed, sullen teenager who can't accept the fact that he's now in his 30s.— Henry_3k (@Henry_3k) December 23, 2015
Another idea that’s worse than garden gnomes.
Adult coloring is like a regular coloring, except it’s stupid and no one wants to see pictures on fb of what you colored when you're 37.— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) December 27, 2015
It is time to start making plans. I got more life insurance. I also need to consider my final words.
When I die, instead of a eulogy, I want someone to read things Internet commenters have written about me bc they always have the right idea.— Katherine Timpf (@KatTimpf) January 29, 2015
Or maybe I can just steal someone else’s final words? No, there are a few problems here. I guess I’ll put forth effort then.
"In all of the history of women, she never shut up the most."
- my eulogy— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) January 2, 2016
Not even turning 40 compares.
Name something worse than taking down the Christmas tree. You can't, because there is nothing worse.— Tartlandia (@SardonicTart) December 30, 2015
There are many upsides to aging.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE— Floyd (@dafloydsta) December 31, 2015
New year, new age, new goals.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.— Paul (@bingowings14) December 5, 2015
Speaking of goals.
Serial killer New Year's resolutions:
-put the fun back in murder
-eat more fruit
-remember you're killing for YOU, not them
-learn to twerk— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) December 29, 2015
Maybe he’s just forlorn about aging and trying to relive his youth. Nah, just kidding.
If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 29, 2015
“Hi ‘I’m getting stabbed,’ I’m Dad.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
"We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?"
*gets stabbed*— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) December 12, 2015
Never give up on your dreams.
LIVE. LAUGH. EAT ENOUGH TOMATO SAUCE TO GIVE YOURSELF ACID REFLUX. BURP FIRE. BECOME DRAGON. DESTROY PLEBES. LAY SICK LOOKIN EGGS. FLY. LOV— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 20, 2015
Just call it urban development or say you identify as a dragon and you’re good either way.
I'm determined to use the fire inside me for good and not arson.— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) December 28, 2015
He agrees that’s the wiser choice.
I'm better friends with your alternate personality.— Smokey Waters (@AloeForTheBurn) December 28, 2015
It would’ve been cooler if this happened for 2016.
It's the year 3012
Keith Richards is emperor of Earth.
Canada shocked everyone by being mean.
Gluten free is now a religious sect— Curly gurl (@Curly_gurl135) December 28, 2015
Fireworks come in many forms. Mostly overpriced ones that don’t last long enough, but enough about those who were stuck going out on New Years Eve.
The compilation of your molecules are part of what makes chemistry interesting.
Also… explosions.— Brianiac® (@BGH70) December 30, 2015
Maybe combine them with fireworks and let’s talk.
Based on the cheers and screams, my homemade spider canon was a big New Year's success.— Top Hatdog (@TheHatdog) January 1, 2016
Every family is different in its own wonderful way.
You say family tradition, I say blood sacrifice.
Samesies.— Miss Riss (@Its_Miss_Riss) December 18, 2015
The main question being, “Why didn’t you use adamantium, idiot?”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY REPLACE YOUR SON'S BONES WITH STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS— Loco Eric (@ericsshadow) January 3, 2016
There’s still time to die by trying to become a wolverine.
The older I get, the less likely it seems I'll be killed by wolverines— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) October 26, 2015
Speaking of dying, it’s probably time for me to sign up for Old Glory Insurance.
listen carefully. some people say "heartbeep" instead of "heartbeat." they are the first wave of robots. do not trust them.— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) September 1, 2015
She’s not joking. It’s surprisingly effective.
There's nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) January 4, 2016
Shortly after they return from angrily riding the ladybug.
You really don't want to fuck with me. I can sing so many Disney songs you would lose your shit. That's right, keep walking. Let it go.— WittySassBasket (@WittySassBasket) February 21, 2015
Much like was said of Olaf and summer, nobody tell him.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) May 29, 2015
Did I already mention goals for the new year? I can’t remember. Magic is probably good for keeping kids off your lawn.
You had me at I perform street magic.— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 2, 2016
Speaking of the new year.
I like to go to the gym the first week of January & stroll by the treadmills with bacon grease dabbed behind my ears & between my boobs.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 7, 2016
Question:
If you decide that you just don't care, is that the time to start waving your hands in the air?— Penelope (@penelope20mn) December 29, 2015
Answer:
before rigor mortis sets in, put my arms up in the air like I just don't care. i just don't care if the coffin won't close, as mentioned— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) January 2, 2016
He could be wearing his funeral best, so there’s that.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) December 22, 2015
Isn’t that the premise of “Downton Abbey?”
I'm writing a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air prequel. It's 6 seasons of Will playing b-ball in Philadelphia without incident until one fateful day— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 27, 2015
Leave no trace.
I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) April 20, 2014
“That wasn’t me!”
We've lost a set of toy keys in the armchair. Every time I sit down it honks. It's most unbecoming.— Grant (@GrantGambling) January 2, 2016
True story.
My 2-year-old poops in the potty. Oh he already told you several times? Ok great.— Creed (@novicefather) December 27, 2015
Sesame Street: Origins.
I tickled the monster under my bed & now we're in a blanket fort watching movies.— Kris V (@krisv_723) December 27, 2015
A Christmas Story.
Ali standing over Frazier after his TKO but it's me and this defeated bottle of Bourbon.— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) December 26, 2015
If you forgot to get anyone presents, you might consider this store.
We need a name for our store that shows we're on the cutting edge of technology.
"How about Radio Shack?"
Perfect.— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) December 24, 2015
Or go to Radio Shack.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) December 24, 2015
There’s some doubt still. Unless he goes with a double man-bun, then the odds are 100%.
True story: My neighbor has 2 ponytails, one at the crown of his head and one at the back. What's the over/under on his also owning a katana— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) December 28, 2015
Like. A. Boss. But maybe try this routine while holding a katana?
Me: goodnight kids
Kids: goodnight dad
Me: goodnight monster that eats children who are bad
Wife: [through radio under the bed] GOODNIGHT— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) August 15, 2015
867-5309.
Mom: I think I'll name her Jenny.
Dr: I'm sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) January 21, 2014
2015 was a year of learning new lessons.
wife: Why don't we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it's dangerous— Josh (@iwearaonesie) December 31, 2015
Pretty much every gift you give your kids is a waste, to be honest.
Mr Keller: These football tickets were a waste of money
Mrs Keller: But it's important to her
[Helen facing the bleachers] GO TEAM!— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) January 1, 2016
Y’all try this and lemme know how it goes.
The best way to comfort a woman is to tell her that you know it's hard right now and then take it out to show her.— Miss Labeled (@unravelingfire) January 5, 2016
I wouldn’t try this.
I'm so single, I was at a bar last night and a cute guy offered to buy me a cat.— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) December 17, 2015
No comment.
Never felt more like a man than licking the coffee lid in the dark trying to find the hole.— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) December 10, 2015
She won’t be selling him any ice at the end of the call.
{Phone sex}
SEX OPERATOR: Mmmm tell me what you're wearing
ESKIMO: Everything I own basically— Michael (@Home_Halfway) January 6, 2016
I don’t understand what the confusion is.
PUBLICIST: People are having trouble understanding your message.
JADEN SMITH: *puts on bodysuit with "DOLPHIN" written on it in Mandarin*— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) January 4, 2016
Seriously. Stop doing that, people!
"Why aren't you tweeting? Did you find fulfillment? YOU BETTER NOT HAVE FOUND FULFILLMENT!"— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) January 6, 2016
Maybe 2015 didn’t shape up how you wanted. But if you’re still searching for fulfillment, there are options.
OH SURE, 'DON'T EAT SHOWER GEL' WELL THATS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WOULD SAY TO HIDE THE FACT THAT IT GIVES YOU TIME TRAVEL ABILITIES.— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) December 28, 2015
Onward!
"New year, new me" I say as I shed my outer skin. The infiltration of lizard people is nearly complete.— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) December 29, 2015
And upward.
clutchin' yer pearls in sight of the horror about to be released upon this wasteland— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) September 22, 2015
Until you achieve all your goals and make everything blindingly awesome. It’s the only way.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) January 7, 2016
Happy 2016, friends. Should you find yourself in my neck of the woods, I will take you for a spin in my convertible, though you might want to watch out for the various organic detritus my kids have deposited in it. Unless…
I'm at the stage of parenting where I think
"inviting a family of raccoons to eat the trash and old snacks in my car"
could be a win/win.— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) December 30, 2015
