Black Friday, a day in which people hurl themselves from windows in an attempt to score deep discounts on countertop griddles and “Inside Out” dolls, is here. Although it’s a “holiday,” I’m here for you, Black Friday shoppers. Whether you’re out there hustling for savings or lazing about on the couch, you likely have leftover turkey.
As such, enjoy this abbreviated edition of “This Week In Weird Twitter,” that comes not with a side of stuffing, but turkey, turkey hash, turkey soup, turkey sandwiches, turkey spaghetti, turkey and dressing, and turkey a la mode. I may have made that last one up, but given the right fiat currency, I’ll whip one up and sell it to you.
The year is 2033. "Black Friday" starts at 8 pm on the 4th of July. Thanksgiving is all but a folktale. Kohl's Cash is the global currency.
— Yusuf Mumin (@yusufamumin) November 27, 2014
Kohl’s doesn’t carry these outfits or we totally would’ve.
Wait, you mean to tell me your entire family doesn't dress up like turkeys for thanksgiving?
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 17, 2015
Did you make your Thanksgiving awesome? No, you didn’t.
[Thanksgiving] Who's ready for dinner?! *family starts going nuts* Ok here it comes! *fires turkeys across the room out of a t-shirt cannon*
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 20, 2015
Nor did you ask the tough questions.
the person who tries to start fights at Thanksgiving is me, and it is usually about bigfoot
— Clare Coffey (@ClareCoffey) November 22, 2015
Bigfoot probably tastes better anyways.
I'm grilling 3" Porterhouse steaks for Thanksgiving because I'm more thankful for steak than turkey.
— Julie Donuts (@JulieSnark) November 23, 2015
Sounds sort of bitter, but moms across the country have done it for years, so maybe not.
Brb Gotta stuff all of my feelings into this turkey.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 23, 2015
Whoa if true.
Important question to ask a potential bride.
But, does she even make woven placemats with a handprint turkey in the middle to keep your eating area tidy, bro?
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) November 19, 2015
Maybe just trace your hand and call it a day?
PILGRIM 1: we need a side dish with our turkey PILGRIM 2: lets stuff bread up the birds ass & eat it PILGRIM 1: I was thinking corn but ok
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 18, 2015
What does the palm within that turkey foretell?
My son asked me to pack him a "big turkey leg" in his lunch instead of PB&J foreshadowing his future as a weirdo from the Renaissance fair.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 17, 2015
And what if you don’t cook a big-enough bird?
Ah, Thanksgiving, when a lady's thoughts turn to wondering how many cannibals it would take to eat every rider on the Macy's parade floats.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) November 21, 2015
Don’t forget the side dishes.
But be sensitive.
Alex Trebek: This flightless bird is traditionally eaten on Thanksgiving Vegan: What is an 'I am vegan'
— The Jonald (@senderblock23) November 20, 2015
Not too sensitive, though.
Also, remember Thanksgiving is a time to create the best version of yourself possible.
The hardest part about Thanksgiving is convincing the family I only eat like this on holidays
— FleurDeLea (@celestinelea90) November 23, 2015
Janice is the best, the best. She’s a classy hotline lady with lots of experience.
Create your own traditions. Feats of strength aren’t just for Festivus.
My favorite holiday tradition is where we take 24 family teenagers and put them in the backyard with weapons and the last one alive wins.
— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) November 21, 2015
Plan on leftovers.
[commercial for soup] NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 20, 2015
The truth will set you free—and also makes for a nice nap.
Everyone's all "turkey makes you sleepy!" like it's not all the alcohol you drank to tolerate family.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 23, 2015
It’s the small thing that looks sort of like onion, but also like garlic, and is hard to cut up and tastes mostly like mild onion. But don’t substitute onion because reasons.
Sorry to everyone at the grocery store who heard me use the fuck word a bunch cuz I couldn't identify a fucking shallot. Fuck Thanksgiving.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 22, 2015
Don’t be a slob because it’s a holiday about overindulgence. Take time to get dressed to the nines.
I'm dressing up as slutty cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving this year.
— AmishPornStar (@AmishPornStar1) November 19, 2015
And invite guests. It’s what it’s all about.
I'll adopt a hobo for thanksgiving dinner so my family won't be my family anymore.
— Oreo Zombie (@PowKaPowOhFuck) November 18, 2015
When you’re tired of leftovers or need some strength to continue shopping.
Please someone confirm that the McRib doesn't have that war on Christmas packaging. Because I love Jesus but also chemically altered bbq
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) November 20, 2015
You know what else Thanksgiving and Black Friday represent? It’s time to decorate for Christmas!
F: My mom sent me some heirloom ornaments. Me: My mom stole a wheelchair from the rehab center & still hasn't returned it.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) November 20, 2015
The other thing about Black Friday is there’s leftover pie, but that’s not why we’re here. No, we’re here because the other, other thing about Black Friday is you maniacs get up at like two in the morning, after all that turkey and wine, and trudge out to get your place in line. It causes a sort of “Walking Dead” effect. As such, if this happens, it’s all in your imagination. Probably.
Your kid's hand turkey drawing comes to life, frees itself from the magnetic fridge shackle and lands on the linoleum with a sickening thud.
— viney (@vineyille) November 16, 2015