One of the things that makes The Federalist special are the women—both the contributors and the readers. It’s important to remember them, to celebrate them, and to give them moments to relax.
That’s why I recommend Calgon bath products, which have been “taking women away” for more than 60 years. When you want to escape, especially after this week, look to Calgon for “uniquely exhilarating bath and body experiences that stimulate the senses, restore the spirit and take you on a special, fragrant journey to the place you want to be.”
There can be only one.
*sees guy drinking from a #1 Dad mug* "What the hell?!" *opens coat revealing #1 Dad shirt* Both in unison: GRILL OFF
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) July 27, 2015
What’s your superpower?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there's Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) July 24, 2015
Captain Pedantic to the rescue.
Ok. It's been brought to my attention "Starlord" is "Star-lord."I want to formally & publicly apologize to him & the rest of the Guardians.
— Justin Guarini (@JustinGuarini) July 26, 2015
Then he headed to a gentlemen’s club.
*pays for a 9th consecutive lap dance from the same stripper*…so then Sam..get this..he literally PICKS UP FRODO and carries him up the mo
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) July 18, 2014
Don’t overuse your excuses.
Me: Grandma died, can't work today. Boss: Thought she died last month? Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
— GrumpyMan (@GrumpyBahr) July 23, 2015
Otherwise this might happen.
Every funeral is open-casket if you've got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) November 18, 2014
"So we honor the dead, with a salute of birds," my son says at my eulogy, placing 13 woodpeckers atop my coffin. "She would've loved this."
— Pants (@onedumbshark) July 22, 2015
So many unanswered questions.
"Hello 911" I think I just killed a Minion "Minions aren't real you idiot" oh thank god "wait so-" *click*
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 23, 2015
wife: its ruining date night me: its ruining date night because you're letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
— brent (@murrman5) December 8, 2014
That’s why you have to be smooth.
"For why doth we nary copulate, fair maiden?" I beseech, as if it's not already obvious enough.
— Creed (@novicefather) July 25, 2015
Know what she’s into.
Search history : - Bruce Lee movies - Amazon, nunchucks - how to tell if it's a break or a bruise - do fingers grow back?
— Dollface Me (@dollfaceiam) May 11, 2015
Be charming, be attractive, and don’t be unattractive.
Oh sure when Dove tells a bunch of women in their underwear that they're beautiful it's fine but when I do it I lose my gym membership.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) July 21, 2015
If none of that works, be creative.
BOB: whats the farthest you've been w/ a girl KYLE: 1st base JOE: 3rd base ME: *obviously counting Dennys as a girl* I had a grand slam once
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) July 24, 2015
The best defense is a good offense.
robber: GIMME UR WALLET "I only have a fanny pack" robber: no wallet? "nope, just a fanny pack" robber: keep it. god ur terrible at this
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 27, 2015
why people stopped wearing swords everywhere is beyond me
— droidbears (@droidbears) May 29, 2015
Great Amazon reviews.
[wearing an intense wolf t-shirt] I have 1 interest. Can you guess what
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 28, 2015
He warned you.
"Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 27, 2015
Still not as bad as geese.
[god creating pigeons] What if like a trash can was a strutting parrot. I don't care
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) June 22, 2015
Technically, the kid’s not lying.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see! *walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway* "Great job, sweetie!"
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) July 23, 2015
I can relate.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
— Dad In A Bear Suit (@JD_KC) December 19, 2014
We’ve all been there.
Finally broke down and did laundry cuz otherwise, I would've been at the grocery store today in my honeymoon lingerie.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 28, 2015
The easiest way to win a fight with your husband is to throw beers at him until he either passes out drunk or gets a concussion.
— C. Love (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 26, 2015
Always be on the lookout for cobras.
I'm sorry that when we were in the delivery room you thought I was handing you your baby but it was a mongoose.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) July 25, 2015
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car] DECEPTICONS DID THIS
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 23, 2015
“My eyes are up here!”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn't have settled for a guy who couldn't even remember what my face looked like.
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) July 22, 2015
At least she’s honest.
Him: Hi Me: *starts overthinking*
— Cocolish (@BeCoco77) July 28, 2015
Worth every penny.
Just paid for the drinks of the stranger next to me on this flight. Surprised how much alcohol required to get a chatty, 8 yr old to sleep.
— Britnicdx (@BritishNicx) May 30, 2015
A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-phosphorous Q-R-S-T-U-V W-X-Y-and-Z "um why did u say phosphorous" becuase its the… EL-EM-ENT-AL P *classroom explo
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) July 25, 2015
It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
Everyone: i swear to god if you don't stop making up words i'm gonna punch you in the face Me: well that escrabulated quickly
— ⒻⓇⓄ ⓋⓄ (@fro_vo) July 25, 2015
You have to know what you’re looking for in an employee.
[interviewing stripper] "Tell me, how is your relationship with your father?" Great! I love my dad. *yells to secretary* "NEXT"
— Nobody (@SleazySli) July 28, 2015
“Share this to prove you want to kick cancer in the balls.”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
— Jes (@JesKeepSwimming) July 6, 2014
But she said it would work.
Thankfully we have social media now or else people would have nowhere to spew their fake outrage.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 30, 2015
Battles of the future.
Search History: Cat armor Buy armor for cats Cat jousting tournaments How to stop armored cats Cat army how to stop national guard phone #
— Alone Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) April 26, 2015
Not all plans are equal.
robber: put the money in the bag drive thru bank teller: .. robber 2: I told you we should go in bank robber: THE LINES ARE LONGER INSIDE
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 30, 2015
Have a good getaway car.
I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon' cause that's where I go to cry.
— Hepatitis Bae (@ThinkingSavage) July 30, 2014
Lest they find you.
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
— Mat (@MatCro) July 26, 2015
Until next week. Remember, although the world is a horrible place filled with horrible things, Calgon is there for you. Ladies, pick some up and enjoy the exhilarating experience. Men, give some to a lady as a gift. She’ll thank you for it. Just don’t get the wrong idea about what that thank you means. Be a gentleman.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth* *twists it around with her tongue* *pulls it out* *it spells "I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND"*
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) January 22, 2015